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ALL THAT JAZZ
Velma:
Come on, Babe
Why don't we paint the town?
And All That Jazz
I'm gonna rouge my knees
And roll my stockings down
And All That Jazz.
Start the car
I know a whoopee spot
Where the gin is cold
but the piano's hot
It's just a noisy hall
Where there's a nightly brawl
And All
That
Jazz!
[Dance
break]
Slick your hair
And wear your buckle shoes
And All That Jazz!
I hear that father dip
Is gonna
blow the blues
And All That Jazz
Hold on, hon
We're gonna bunny hug
I bought some Aspirin
Down at United
Drug
In case you shake apart
And want a brand-new start
To do that -
Velma & Company:
Jazz!
Company:
Skidoo!
Velma:
And All That Jazz
Company:
Hotcha!
Whoopee!
Velma:
And All That Jazz
Company:
Hah!
Hah! Hah!
Velma:
It's just a noisy hall
Where there's a nightly brawl
All:
And all that Jazz
(Fred
Casely and Roxie Hart enter)
Fred:
Listen, your husband ain't home, is he?
Velma:
No, her husband is not at
home!
Find a flask
We're playing fast and loose
Company:
And All That Jazz!
Velma:
Right up here
Is where I store the juice
Company:
And All That Jazz!
Velma:
Come on babe
We're gonna brush the
sky
I bet you lucky Lindy
Never flew so high
'Cause in the stratosphere
How could he lend an ear
To All That
Jazz
Company:
Oh, you're gonna see her sheba shimmy shake
Velma:
And All That Jazz!
Company:
Oh,
she's gonna shimmy till her garters break
Velma:
And All That Jazz
Company:
Show her where to park her
girdle
Oh, her mother's blood is curdle
If she'd hear
Her baby's queer
For All That Jazz!
Velma: Company:
And
All That Jazz!
Come on, Babe Oh, you're gonna see
Why don't we paint Your
The town? Sheba
And All That Jazz Shimmy
shake
And All That Jazz!
I'm gonna Oh,
Rouge my knees She's gonna shimmy
And roll my 'Till her garters
Stockings
down Break
And All That Jazz And All That Jazz
Start the car Show her where to
I know a whoopee spot Park her
girdle
Where the gin is cold Oh, her mother's blood'd
But the piano's hot. Curdle
It's just a noisy hall If she'd
hear
Where there's a nightly brawl Her baby's queer
And All That Jazz! For All That Jazz!
Roxie:
So, that's
it, huh Fred?
Fred:
Yeah, I'm afraid so Roxie.
Roxie:
Oh, Fred...
Girls:
Oh, Fred...
Fred:
Yeah?
Roxie:
Nobody
walks out on me.
(Roxie shoots him.)
Fred:
Sweetheart -
Roxie:
Oh, don't "sweetheart" me, you son-of-a-bitch!
(Roxie
shoots him again. Fred dies.)
Company:
Hotcha!
Whoopee!
Jazz!
Roxie:
Oh, I gotta pee.
(Roxie
exits.)
Velma:
No, I'm no one's wife
But, oh, I love my life
And All That Jazz!
Company:
That
Jazz!
FUNNY HONEY
ANNOUNCER:
For her first number, Miss Roxie Hart would like to sing a song
of love and devotion dedicated
to her dear husband Amos.
FUNNY HONEY
Roxie:
Sometimes I'm right
Sometimes I'm wrong
But he doesn't care
He'll
string along
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine!
Sometimes I'm down
Sometimes I'm up
But he follows
'round
Like some droopy-eyed pup
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine!
He ain't no sheik
That's no great
physique
Lord knows he ain't got the smarts
Oh, but look at that soul
I tell you, that whole
Is a whole lot
greater
Than the sum of his parts
And if you knew him like me
I know you'd agree
What if the world
Slander
my name?
Why, he'd be right there
Taking the blame
He loves me so
And it all suits me fine
That funny,
sunny, honey
Hubby of mine!
Amos:
A man's got the right to protect his home and his loved ones, right?
Fogarty:
Of
course, he has!
Amos:
Well, I come in from the garage, Officer, and I see him coming
through the window. With my
wife Roxanne there, sleepin'...
Like an angel...
Roxie: Amos:
He loves me so ...an angel!
That funny honey
of mine!
Amos:
I mean supposin', just supposin', he had violated her or somethin'...you
know what I mean...violated?
Fogarty:
I
know what you mean...
Amos:
...or somethin'. Think how terrible that would have been. It's a good
thing I came home
from work on time, I'm tellin' ya that! I say I'm
tellin' ya that!
Roxie:
He loves me so
That funny honey
of mine!
Fogarty:
Name of deceased...Fred Casely.
Amos:
Fred Casely. How could he be a burglar? My wife knows
him!
He sold us our furniture!
Roxie:
Lord knows he ain't got the smarts
Amos:
She lied to me. She
told me he was a burglar.
Fogarty:
You mean he was dead when you got home?
Amos:
She had him covered with a sheet
and she's givin' me that cock
and a bull story about this burglar, and I ought to say I did
it 'cause I was sure to
get off. Burglar, huh!
Roxie: Amos:
Now, he shot off his trap And I believed her!
That cheap little tramp. So,
she
I can't stand that sap was two-timing me, huh?
Well, then, she can just
swing for all I care.
Look at him
go Boy, I'm down at the garage,
Rattin' on me working my butt off fourteen
With just one more brain hours a day and
she's up there
What half-wit he'd be munchin' on God-damn bon-bons
and jazzing. This time she
If they string me up
pushed me too far.
I'll know who That little chiseler.
Brought the twine Boy, what a sap I was!
That scummy,
crummy
Dummy hubby of mine
CELL BLOCK TANGO
ANNOUNCER:
And now the six merry murderesses of the Cook County Jail in their
rendition of the "Cell
Block Tango."
Liz:
Pop.
Annie:
Six.
June:
Squish.
Hunyak:
Uh-Uh.
Velma:
Cicero.
Mona:
Lipschitz!
Liz:
Pop.
Annie:
Six.
June:
Squish.
Hunyak:
Uh-Uh.
Velma:
Cicero.
Mona:
Lipschitz!
Liz:
Pop.
Annie:
Six.
June:
Squish.
Hunyak:
Uh-Uh.
Velma:
Cicero.
Mona:
Lipschitz!
Liz:
Pop.
Annie:
Six.
June:
Squish.
Hunyak:
Uh-Uh.
Velma:
Cicero.
Mona:
Lipschitz!
All:
He
had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame.
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
Velma:
I
betcha you would have done the same!
Liz:
Pop.
Annie:
Six.
June:
Squish.
Hunyak:
Uh-Uh.
Velma:
Cicero.
Mona:
Lipschitz!
Liz:
Pop.
Annie:
Six.
June:
Squish.
Hunyak:
Uh-Uh.
Velma:
Cicero.
Mona:
Lipschitz!
All:
He
had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame.
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
Velma:
I
betcha you would have done the same!
Liz:
Pop.
Annie:
Six.
June:
Squish.
Hunyak:
Uh-Uh.
Velma:
Cicero.
Mona:
Lipschitz!
Liz:
Girls:
You know how people He had it coming
have these little habits that He had it coming
get you down. Like Bernie.
He only had himself to blame.
Bernie liked to chew gum.
No, not chew. Pop. Well, I If you'd have been there
came
home this one day and If you'd have seen it
I am really irritated, and I betcha you would
looking for a little sympathy
Have done the same!
and there's Bernie layin' on He had it coming
the couch, drinkin' a beer and He had it coming
chewin'.
No, not chewin'. He only had himself to blame.
Popin'. So, I said to him, I If you'd have been there
said, "Bernie,
you pop that If you'd have seen it
gum one more time..." I betcha you would
And he did! Have done the same!
Liz:
So
I took the shotgun off the wall
and fired two warning shots...
...into his head.
All:
He had it coming
He
had it coming
He only had himself to blame.
If you'd have been there
If you'd have heard it
I betcha you would
Have done the same!
Liz: Girls:
I met Ezekiel Young from He had it coming
Salt Lake City about two years
ago He had it coming
and he told me he was single He only had himself
and we hit it off right away. To blame.
So,
we started living together. If you'd have been there
He'd go to work, he'd come work, I'd mix If you'd have seen it
Him
a drink, we'd have dinner. Well, it was I betcha you would
like heaven in two and a half rooms. Have done the same!
And
then I found out, He had it coming
"Single" he told me? He had it coming
Single, my ass. Not only was he married. He
only had himself
...oh, no, he had six wives. To blame.
One of those Mormons, If you'd have been there
you know.
So that night when If you'd have seen it
he came home. I mixed him I betcha you would
his drink as usual. Have done
the same!
Annie:
You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic!
Liz, Annie, June, Mona: Velma &
Hunyak:
Hah! He had it coming Pop, Six, Squish, Uh-Uh,
He had it coming Cicero, Lipschitz!
He took a flower
In
its prime
And the he used it Pop, Six, Squish, Uh-Uh,
And he abused it Cicero, Lipschitz!
It was a murder
But
not a crime!
June: Girls:
Now, I'm standing in the kitchen Pop, Six,
carvin' up the chicken for dinner, Squish,
Uh-Uh,
minding my own business, Cicero, Lipschitz!
and in storms my husband Wilbur, Pop, Six,
in a jealous rage.
Squish, Uh-Uh,
"You been screwin' the milkman," Cicero, Lipschitz!
he says. He was crazy Pop, Six,
and he kept on
screamin' Squish, Uh-Uh,
"You been screwin' the milkman," Cicero, Lipschitz!
June:
And then he ran into my knife!
He ran into my knife TEN TIMES!
All:
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have
done the same!
Hunyak:
Mit keresek, enn itt? Azt mondjok, hogy lakem lefogta a ferjemet
en meg lecsaptam a fejet.
De nem igaz, en artatlan vagyok. Nem
tudom mert mondja Uncle Sam hogy en tetten. Probaltam a rendorsegen
megmagyarazni
de nem ertettek meg...
June:
Yeah, but did you do it?
Hanyak:
UH UH, not guilty!
Velma: Girls:
My
sister, Veronica, and I did this double act He had it coming
and my husband, Charlie, used to travel He had it coming
round
with us. Now for the last number in He only had
our act, we did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a Himself
row, one, two,
three, four, five... To blame.
Splits, spread eagles, back flips, flip flops, If you'd have been there
one right after
the other. Well, this one night If you'd have seen it
we are in Cicero, the three of us, sittin' up I betcha
in a hotel
room, boozin' and havin' a few You would
laughs and we ran out of ice, Have done
so I went out to get some. The same!
I
come back, open the door He had
And there's Veronica and It coming
Charlie doing Number Seventeen He had
-the spread
eagle. It coming...
Velma:
Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out.
I can't remember
a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was
washing the blood off my hands I even knew they were dead.
Girls:
They
had it coming
They had it coming
They had it coming all along.
I didn't do it
But if I'd done it
How could
you tell me that I was wrong?
Velma: Girls:
They had it coming
They had it coming
They had it coming
They
had it coming
They had it coming
They took a flower
All along
In its prime
I didn't do it
And then they
used it
But if I'd done it
And they abused it
How could you tell me
It was a murder
That I was wrong? But not
a crime!
Mona: Girls:
I love Alvin Lipschitz He had it coming
More than I can possibly say. He had it coming
He
was a real artistic guy... He only had
Sensitive...a painter. Himself t
But he was troubled. To blame.
He was always
trying If you'd have been
to find himself. There
He'd go out every night If you'd have seen it
looking for himself
I betcha
and along the way You would
he found Ruth, Have done
Gladys, The same!
Rosemary and Irving.
Mona:
I
guess you can say we broke up because of artistic differences.
He saw himself as alive and I saw him dead.
All:
The
dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
Liz, Annie, Mona: Velma, June, Hunyak:
They had
it comin'
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
All
along
All along
'Cause if they used us
'Cause if they used us
And they abused us
And they abused us
How
could you tell us
How could you tell us
That we were wrong?
That we were wrong?
Velma, June, Hunyak:
He
had it coming
He had it coming
He only had
Himself
To blame.
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen
it
I betcha
You would
Have done
The same!
Liz:
You pop that gum one more time!
Annie:
Single
my ass.
June:
Ten times!
Hunyak:
Miert csukott Uncle Sam bortonbe.
Velma:
Number Seventeen
- the spread eagle.
Mona:
Artistic differences.
All:
I betcha you would have done the same!
WHEN YOU'RE GOOD TO MAMA
Matron:
Ask any of the chickies in my pen
They'll tell I'm the biggest mother hen
I love 'em all
and all of them love me
Because the system works
The system called reciprocity...
Got a little motto
Always
sees me through
When you're good to Mama
Mama's good to you!
There's a lot of favors
I'm prepared to do
You
do one for Mama
She'll do one for you
They say that life is tit for tat
And that's the way I live
So, I deserve
a lot of tat
For what I've got to give
Don't you know that this hand
Washes that one too
When you're good to Mama
Mama's
good to you!
If you want my gravy
Pepper my ragout
Spice it up for Mama
She'll get hot for you
When they pass that basket
Folks contribute to
You put in for Mama
She'll pull out for
you
The folks atop the ladder
Are the ones the world adores
So boost me up my ladder, kid
And I'll boost you
up yours
Let's all stroke together
Like the Princeton crew
When you're strokin' Mama
Mama's strokin' you
So
what's the one conclusion
I can bring this number to?
When you're good to Mama
Mama's good to you
ALL I CARE ABOUT IS LOVE
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and Gentleman, presenting the Silver-Tongued Prince of
the Courtroom - the one
- the only Mr. Billy Flynn.
Girls:
We want Billy
Give us Billy
B. I. Double L. Y.
We're all his
He's our
kind of a guy
And ooh what luck
'Cause here he is...
Billy:
Is everybody here?
Is everybody ready?
Hit
it!
I don't care about expensive things
Cashmere coats, diamond
rings
Don't mean a thing
All I care about is love Girls:
That's what I'm here for/ That's what he's here for
I
don't care for wearing silk cravats
Ruby studs, satin spats
Don't mean a thing
All I care about is love Girls:
All
he cares about is love
Give me two
Eyes of blue
Softly saying, "I need you"
Let me see her standin' there
And
honest, mister, I'm a millionaire
I don't care for any fine attire
Vanderbilt might admire
No, no, not me
All
I care about is love Girls:
All he cares about is love
Billy:
Maybe you think I'm talking about my physical love.
Well, I'm not. Not just physical love. There's other kinds of love. Like love of justice. Love of legal procedure. Love of
lending a hand to someone who really needs you. Love of your fellow man. That's the kind of love I'm talkin' about. And physical
love ain't so bad either.
Billy:
It may sound odd
But all I care about is love Girls:
That's what I'm here
for That's for he's here for
Honest to God
All I care about is love
Girls:
All he cares about is love
Show me long raven hair
Flowin' down, about to three
Let me see
Her runnin' free
Keep your money,
that's enough for me
I don't care for drivin' Packard cars
Or smoking long buck cigars
No, no, not me
All I care
about is
Doin' the guy in
Who's pickin', on you
Twistin' the wrist
That's turnin' the screw
All I care about
is love
Girls:
All he cares about is love
WE BOTH REACHED FOR THE GUN
Reporters:
Where'd you come from?
Billy (as Roxie):
Mississippi
Reporters:
And your
parents?
Billy (as Roxie):
Very wealthy.
Reporters:
Where are they now?
Billy (as Roxie):
Six
feet under.
Billy:
But she was granted one more start
Billy (as Roxie):
The convent of the sacred heart!
Reporters:
When'd
you get there?
Billy (as Roxie):
1920
Reporters:
How old were you?
Billy (as Roxie):
Don't remember
Reporters:
Then
what happened?
Billy (as Roxie):
I met Amos
And he stole my hear away
Convinced me to elope one day
Mary
Sunshine:
A convent girl! A run-away marriage! Oh, it's too terrible.
You poor, poor dear.
Reporters:
Who's
Fred Casely?
Billy (as Roxie):
My ex-boy friend.
Reporters:
Why'd you shoot him.
Billy (as Roxie):
I
was leavin'.
Reporters:
Was he angry?
Billy (as Roxie):
Like a madman!
Still I said, "Fred, move along."
Billy:
She
knew that she was doin' wrong
Reporters:
Then describe it
Billy (as Roxie):
He came toward me.
Reporters:
With
a pistol?
Billy (as Roxie):
From my bureau
Reporters:
Did you fight him?
Billy (as Roxie):
Like
a tiger
Billy:
He had strength and she had none
Billy (as Roxie):
And yet we both reached for the gun
Oh
yes, oh yes, oh yes we both
Oh yes, we both
Oh yes, we both reached for
The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun
Oh
yes, we both reached for the gun
For the gun.
Billy and Reporters:
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they both
Oh yes,
they both
Oh yes, they both reached for
The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun
Oh yes, they both reached for the gun
For
the gun.
Billy:
Understandable, understandable
Yes, it's perfectly understandable
Comprehensible, comprehensible
Not
a bit reprehensible
It's so defensible!
Reporters:
How you're feeling?
Billy (as Roxie):
Very frightened
Reporters:
Are
you sorry?
Roxie:
Are you kidding?
Reporters:
What's your statement?
Billy (as Roxie):
All I'd
say is
Though my choo-choo jumped my track
I'd give my life to bring him back
Reporters:
And?
Billy
(as Roxie):
Stay away from
Reporters:
What?
Billy (as Roxie):
Jazz and liquor
Reporters:
And?
Billy
(as Roxie):
And the man who
Reporters:
What?
Billy (as Roxie):
Play for fun
Reporters:
And
what?
Billy (as Roxie):
That's the thought that
Reporters:
Yeah!
Billy (as Roxie):
Came upon
me
Reporters:
When?
Billy (as Roxie):
When we both reached for the gun!
Mary Sunshine:
Understandable,
understandable
Billy and Mary Sunshine:
Yes, it's perfectly understandable
Comprehensible, comprehensible
Not
a bit reprehensible
It's so defensible!
Billy: Reporters:
Let me Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they both
Hear it!
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached for
The gun, the gun, the gun,
The gun
Oh yes, they both reached
For the gun
A little louder! For the gun.
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they
both reached
For the gun, the gun,
Now you got it! The gun, the gun
Oh yes, they both reached
For the gun
For
the gun.
Billy and reporters:
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached
for
The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun
Oh yes, they both reached for the gun.
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they both
Oh
yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached for
The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun,
The gun, the gun, the gun, the
gun,
The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun,
The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun.
Billy:
Both reached for the...gun
Reporters:
The
gun, the gun, the gun, the gun
The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun
The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun
The gun, the
gun, the gun, the gun
Both reached for the gun.
First Reporter:
"Stop The Presses!"
Second Reporter:
"'We
Both Reached For The Gun,' Says Roxie!"
Third Reporter:
"Dancing Feet Lead To Sorrow, Says Beautiful Jazz Slayer!"
Fifth
Reporter:
"Jazz And Liquor, Roxie's Downfall!"
ROXIE
Roxie:
The name on everybody's lips
Is gonna be Roxie
The
lady rakin' in the chips
Is gonna be Roxie
I'm gonna be a celebrity
That means somebody everyone knows
They're
gonna recognize my eyes
My hair, my teeth, my boobs, my nose
From just some dumb mechanic's wife
I'm gonna be
Roxie
Who says that murder's not an art?
And who in case she doesn't hang
Can say she started with a bang?
Foxy
Roxie Hart!
Roxie:
You wanna know something? I always wanted to be in vaudeville.
And now that I'm a celebrity,
I'm gonna have me a swell act,
too. Yeah, I'll get a boy to work with - someone who can lift
me up, show me off -
Oh, hell, I'll get two boys. It'll frame
me better. Think "Big," Roxie, think "Big." I'm gonna get me
a whole bunch
of boys.
The name on everybody's lips
Is gonna be
Boys:
Roxie
Roxie:
The lady rakin' in the
chips is gonna be
Boys:
Roxie
She's gonna be a celebrity
Roxie:
That means somebody everyone knows
Boys:
They're
gonna recognize her eyes
Her hair, her teeth...
Roxie:
...my boobs, my nose
Ooh, ah ah ah
From just some
dumb mechanic's wife
I'm gonna be
Sing it!
Boys:
Roxie
Roxie:
Who says that murder's not an art?
Boys:
And
who in case she doesn't hang
Roxie:
Can say she started with a bang?
Boys:
Foxy Roxie Hart!
Boys:
They're
gonna wait outside in line
To get to see Roxie
Roxie:
Think of those autographs I'll sign
"Good luck to you,
Roxie"
And I'll appear in a lavaliere
That goes all the way down to my waist
Boys:
Here a ring, there a ring
Everywhere
a ring a ling
Roxie:
But always the best of taste
Oooh, I'm a star.
Boys;
And the audience loves her.
Roxie:
And
I love the audience. And the audience loves me for
loving them. And I love the audience for loving me. And
we just
love each other. That's because none of us got
enough love in our childhood.
Boys:
That's right.
Roxie:
And
that's show biz, kid.
Boys:
Oh, yeah.
She's giving up her humdrum life
Roxie:
I'm gonna be
Boys:
Roxie.
She
made a scandal and a start.
Roxie:
And Sophie Tucker will shit, I know
To see her name get billed below
All:
Foxy
Roxie Hart
Boys:
Chuh, chuh, chuh, etc...
Roxie:
Oooh ah ah ah ah ah ah
(As boys exit)
Those are
my boys.
I CAN'T DO IT ALONE
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and Gentlemen, Miss Velma Kelly in an act of desperation.
Velma:
My sister and I had an act that couldn't flop
My sister and I were headed straight for the
top
My sister and I eared a thou a week at least
(Oh, sure)
But my sister is now, unfortunately, deceased
Oh,
I know, it's sad, of course,
But a fact is still a fact
And now all that remains
Is the remains
Of a perfect double
act!
Roxie, do you know you are exactly the same size as my sister?
Oh, you would fit in her wardrobe perfectly.
Look, why don't I
just show you some of the act, huh?
Watch this.
(She dances)
Now, you have to imagine this
with two people.
It's swell with two people.
First I'd....(Drums!)
Then she'd...(Saxophone!)
Then we'd...(Together!)
But
I can't do it alone!
Then she'd...
Then I'd...
Then we'd...
But I can't do it alone!
She'd say, "What's
your sister like?"
I'd say, "MEN,"
Yuk, yuk, yuk
She'd say, "you're the cat's meow"
Then we'd wow
The crowd
again
When she'd go...
I'd go...
We'd go...
And then those ding-dong daddies started to roar
Whistled,
stomped, and stamped on the floor
Yelling, screaming, begging for more.
And we'd say, "O.K. fellas, keep your socks
up.
You ain't seen nothing yet!"
(She dances.)
Ah, aha, yeah!
But I simply cannot do it alone.
Well?
What did ya think? Come on, you can say.
(Roxie gives her raspberry.)
Velma:
O.K. O.K. The first part can always
be rewritten. But the
second part was really nifty. Watch this!
Then she'd...(See, get it, right?)
Then I'd...(Then
I kick really high...)
Then we'd...
But I can't do it alone!
She'd say, "What state's Chicago in?"
I'd say, "ILL!"
Did
ya get that?
She'd say, "turn your motor off!"
I can hear 'em cheerin' still
When she'd go...
I'd go...
We'd
go...(Sideways!)
And then those two-bit Johnnies did it up brow
To cheer the best attraction in town
They really
tore the balcony down
And we'd say, "O.K. fellas, O.K., we're goin' home, but
here's a few more partin' shots!"
And this...this we did
in perfect unison.
(She dances.)
Cymbals crash crash crash
Now, you've seen me goin' through
it
You can see there's nothin' to it
But I simply cannot do it
Alone!
MY OWN BEST FRIEND
ANNOUNCER:
And now, Miss Roxie Hart and Miss Velma Kelly sing a song
of unrelenting determination
and unmitigated ego.
Roxie:
One thing I know
Velma:
One thing I know
Roxie:
And I've always known
Velma:
And
I've always known
Roxie:
I am my own
Velma:
I am my own
Roxie & Velma:
Best friend
Roxie:
Baby's
alive
Velma:
Baby's alive
Roxie:
But baby's alone
Velma:
But baby's alone
Roxie:
And
baby's her own
Velma:
And baby's her own
Roxie & Velma:
Best friend
Many's the guy
Who told
me he cares
But they were scratchin' my back
'Cause I was scratchin' theirs
Roxie:
And trusting to luck
Velma:
And
trusting to luck
Roxie:
That's only for fools
Velma:
Only for fools
Roxie:
I play in a game
Velma:
I
play in a game
Roxie & Velma:
Where I make the rules
And rule number one
From here to the end
Is 'I
am my own best friend'
Three musketees
Who never say die
Are standing here this minute
Velma:
Me
Roxie:
Me
Velma:
Myself
Roxie:
Myself
Velma:
And
I!
Roxie:
And I!
Velma & Roxie:
If life is a school
I'll pass every test
If life is a game
I'll
play it the best
'Cause I won't give in
and I'll never bend
and I am my own best friend!
I KNOW A GIRL
Velma:
Can you imagine?
I mean can you imagine?
Do you believe it?
I mean, do you believe it?
I
know a girl
A girl who lands on top
You could put her face
Into a pail of slop
And she'd come up smelling like
a rose
How she does it, heaven knows.
Reporter:
Hold on, everybody, she's comin' out now.
(Roxie enters,
followed by a very happy Doctor.)
Well, Doctor, is she or isn't she?
Velma:
She is.
Doctor:
She is!
Velma:
I
know a girl
A girl with so much luck
She could get run over by a two-ton truck
Then brush herself off and walk away
How
she does it, I couldn't say
Billy:
So, Doc, would you swear to that statement in court?
Doctor:
Oh, yeah.
Billy:
Good...you
wanna button your fly?
Velma:
Whilst I on the other hand
Put my face in a pail of slop
And I would smell like
a pail of slop
I, on the other hand
Get run over by a truck
And I am deader than a duck
I know a girl who
tells so many lies
Anything that's true would truly cross her eyes
But what that mouse is selling
That whole world
buys
And nobody smells a rat.
Roxie:
Oh, please Ladies and Gentlemen of the press - leave the two
of us alone
so that we can rest.
Velma:
The two of us?
Can you imagine?
I mean, can you imagine?
Reporter:
Can
I have one last picture, please?
Roxie:
Oh, sure, anything for the press.
Velma:
Do you believe it?
I
mean, do you believe it?
Roxie:
My dear little baby
Velma:
"My dear little baby."
Roxie:
My
sweet little baby
Velma:
"My sweet little..."
Roxie:
Look at my baby and me!
ME AND MY BABY
Roxie:
Me and my baby
My baby and me
We're 'bout as happy
As babies can be
What if I find
That
I'm caught in a storm?
I don't care
My baby's there
And baby's bound to keep me warm
We're sticking together
And
ain't we got fun
So much together
You'd count us as one
Tell old man, worry, to go climb a tree
'Cause I've got
my baby
My sweet little baby
Look at my baby and me
Mary Sunshine:
I don't see how you could possibly delay
the trial another
second, Mr. Flynn. My readers wouldn't stand for it. The
poor child! To have her baby born in a
jail!
Billy:
I can assure you she'll come to trial at the earliest possible moment.
And you can quote me on
that.
Amos:
Hey, everybody. I'm the father! I'm the father!
All:
Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! Yuk!
Roxie:
Looka
my baby
My baby and me
A dream of a duo
Now, don't you agree?
Why keep it mum
When there's nothing to hide?
And
what I feel
I must reveal
Is more than I can keep inside
Let me assure you
It won't go away
I can assure you
It
grows every day
I was a one once
But now I'm a "we"
'Cause I got my baby
My dear little baby
Look at my baby
and me
Matron:
I think it's sweet. First time we ever had one of our girls knocked up.
Billy:
I've got
it and it's brilliant. I'm gonna get Amos to divorce
you. That way all the sympathy will go to you - not him.
You'll
be the poor, little deserted mother-to-be and that
crumb is running out on you.
Amos:
That's my kid! That's
my kid!
Roxie and Boys:
Looka my baby
My baby and me
Facing the world
Optimistically
Nothing can stop
us
So nobody try
'Cause baby's rough
And full of stuff
And incidentally, so am I!
(Baby dance break.)
Get
out of our way, folks
And give us some room
Watch how we bubble
And blossom and bloom
Life was a prison
But
we got the key
Me and my baby
My dear little baby
My cute little baby
My sweet little baby
My fat little baby
My
soft little baby
My pink little baby
My bald little baby
Looka, my baby and me
Mr. CELLOPHANE
Amos:
I'm the father! Papa! Dada! Did you hear me? Did you?
No, you didn't hear me. That's the story
of my life.
Nobody ever knows I'm around. Nobody. Not even my
parents noticed me. One day I went to school and when
I came home, they moved.
Amos:
If someone stood up in a crowd
And raised his voice up way out loud
And
waved his arm and shook his leg
You'd notice him
If someone in the movie show
Yelled "Fire in the second row
This
whole place is a powder keg!"
You'd notice him
And even without clucking like a hen
Everyone gets noticed, now
and then,
Unless, of course, that personage should be
Invisible, inconsequential me!
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda
been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...
I
tell ya
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through
me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...
Suppose you was a little cat
Residin' in a person's flat
Who
fed you fish and scratched your ears?
You'd notice him
Suppose you was a woman, wed
And sleepin' in a double
bed
Beside one man, for seven years
You'd notice him
A human being's made of more than air
With all that bulk,
you're bound to see him there
Unless that human bein' next to you
Is unimpressive, undistinguished
You know who...
Cellophane
Mister
Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And
never know I'm there...
I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause
you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there
Never even know I'm there.
Hope I
didn't take up too much of your time.
WHEN VELMA TAKES THE STAND
Velma:
Billy, I been thinkin' a lot about my trial. Couldn't
I just
show you what I thought I might do on the witness stand?
Billy:
Go ahead.
Velma:
Good! Hit
it!
Well then, when I got on the stand I thought I'd take a peek
at the jury. Then I'd cross my legs like this, you
know.
Quartette:
When Velma takes the stand
Velma:
Then, when Harrison cross examines me, I thought I'd
give 'em
this...and then if he yells at me I thought I'd tremble like
this..."ooh, no, please stop!"
Quartette:
When
Velma takes the stand
Look at little Vel
See her give 'em hell
When she turns it on
Ain't she doin' grand?
She's
got 'em eating out of the palm of her hand!
Velma:
Then, I thought I'd let it all be too much for me, like real
dramatic. Then, I thought I'd get thirsty and say, "Please,
someone, could I have a glass of water?"
Quartette::
When
Velma takes the stand
See that Kelly girl
Make that jury whirl
When she turns it on
She's gonna get 'em goin'
'Till
she's got 'em gone
Velma:
Ah! Ah! Ah! Then, I thought I'd cry. Buckets. Only I don't
have handkerchief - that's
when I have to ask you for yours!
I really like that part. Don't you? Then, I get up and try to
walk; oh, but I'm too
weak, and I slump and I slump and I
slump and I slump until finally, I faint!
Quartette:
When she rolls her
eyes
Watch her take the prize
When Velma takes the stand!
When Velma takes the stand!
RAZZLE DAZZLE
Bailiff:
Mr. Flynn, his honor is here
Billy:
Thank you. Just
a moment. You ready?
Roxie:
Oh Billy, I'm so scared!
Billy:
Roxie. You got nothing to worry about. It's
all a circus, kid.
A three ring circus. These trial - the whole world - all show
business. But kid, you're working
with a star, the biggest!
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle dazzle 'em
Give 'em act with lots of flash in
it
And the reaction will be passionate
Give 'em the old hocus pocus
Bread and feather 'em
How can they see with
sequins in their eyes?
What if your hinges all are rusting?
What if, in fact, you're just disgusting ?
Razzle
dazzle 'em
And they'll never catch wise!
Eh Eh Eh Eh
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Billy
and Company:
Razzle dazzle 'em
Give 'em a show that's so splendiferous
Billy:
Row after row will grow vociferous
Billy
and Company:
Give 'em the old flim flam flummox
Fool and fracture 'em
Billy:
How can they hear the truth above
the roar?
Billy and Company:
Throw 'em a fake and a finagle
They'll never know you're just a bagel,
Billy:
Razzle
dazzle 'em
And they'll beg you for more!
Billy and Company:
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle
dazzle 'em
Back since the days of old Methuselah
Everyone loves the big bambooz-a-ler
Give 'em the old three
ring circus
Stun and stagger 'em
When you're in trouble, go into your dance
Though you are stiffer than a girder
They
let ya get away with a murder
Razzle dazzle 'em
And you've got a romance
Give 'em the old
Razzle dazzle
Billy:
Razzle
dazzle 'em
Give 'em an act that's unassailable
They'll wait a year 'til your available!
Billy and Company:
Give
'em the old
Double whammy
Billy:
Daze and dizzy 'em
Show 'em the first rate sorcerer you are
Billy
and Company:
Long as you keep 'em way off balance
How can they spot you got no talents?
Billy:
Razzle dazzle
'em
Company:
Razzle dazzle 'em
Billy:
Razzle dazzle 'em
Billy and Company:
And they'll make
you a star!
CLASS
Matron:
The whole world's gone low-brow. Things ain't what they used
to be.
Velma:
They sure ain't, Mama. They sure ain't. It's all gone.
Whatever happened to fair dealing?
And
pure ethics
And nice manners?
Why is it everyone now is a pain in the ass?
Whatever happened to class?
Matron:
Class.
Whatever
happened to, "Please, may I?"
And "Yes, thank you?"
And "How charming?"
Now, every son of a bitch is a snake in the
grass
Whatever happened to class?
Velma and Matron:
Class!
Ah, there ain't no gentlemen
To open up the
doors
There ain't no ladies now,
There's only pigs and whores
And even kids'll knock ya down
So's they can pass
Nobody's
got no class!
Velma:
Whatever happened to old values?
Matron:
And fine morals?
Velma:
And good
breeding?
Matron
Now, no one even says "oops" when they're
Passing their gas
Whatever happened to class?
Velma:
Class
Velma
and Matron:
Ah, there ain't no gentlemen
That's fit for any use
And any girl'd touch your privates
For a deuce
Matron:
And
even kids'll kick your shins and give you sass
Velma:
And even kids'll kick your shins and give you sass
Velma
and Matron:
Nobody's got no class!
Velma:
All you read about today is rape and theft
Matron:
Jesus
Christ, ain't there no decency left?
Velma and Matron:
Nobody's got no class
Matron:
Everybody you watch
Velma:
'S
got his brains in his crotch
Matron:
Holy crap
Velma:
Holy crap
Matron:
What a shame
Velma:
What
a shame
Velma and Matron:
What became of class?
NOWADAYS
Roxie:
...gone, it's all gone.
It's good, isn't it?
Grand,
isn't it?
Great, isn't it?
Swell, isn't it?
Fun, isn't it?
Nowadays
There's man, everywhere
Jazz, everywhere
Booze,
everywhere
Life, everywhere
Joy, everywhere
Nowadays
You can like the life you're living
You can live the
life you like
You can even marry Harry
But mess around with Ike
And that's
Good, isn't it?
Grand, isn't
it?
Great, isn't it?
Swell, isn't it?
Fun, isn't it...
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Vickers Theater,
Chicago's finest
home of family and entertainment, is proud to announce a first.
The first time, anywhere, there has
been an act of this nature.
Not only one little lady, but two! You've read about them in the
papers and now here they
are - a double header! Chicago's own
killer dillers - those two scintillating sinners -
Roxie Hart and Velma Kelly!
Roxie
and Velma:
You can like the life you're living
You can live the life you like
You can even marry Harry
But mess
around with Ike
And that's
Good, isn't it?
Grand, isn't it?
Great, isn't it?
Swell, isn't it?
Fun, isn't
it?
But nothing stays
In fifty years or so
It's gonna change, you know
But, oh, it's heaven
Nowadays
And
that's
Good, isn't it?
Grand, isn't it?
Great, isn't it?
Swell, isn't it?
Fun, isn't it?
But nothing stays
In
fifty years or so
It's gonna change, you know
But, oh, it's heaven
Nowadays
ANNOUNCER
Okay, you babes of
jazz. Let's pick up the pace.
Let's shake the blues away. Let's make the parties
longer. Let's make the skirts shorter
and shorter.
Let's make the music hotter. Let's all go to hell
in a fast car and KEEP IT HOT!
FINALE
Velma:
Thank you. Roxie and I would just like to thank you - for
you faith and your belief in our
innocence.
Roxie:
Yes, it was letters, telegrams, and words of encouragement
that helped see us through this
terrible ordeal of ours.
Velma:
You know, a lot of people has lost faith in America.
Roxie:
And for what
America stands for.
Velma:
But we are the living examples of what a wonderful country this is.
Roxie:
So
we'd just like to say thank you and God Bless you.
Velma and Roxie:
God bless you.
Thank you and God bless you...
Chorus:
God be with you. No,
God walk with you always. I'm no one's wife
God bless you. But, oh,
God bless you.
I love my life...
Velma, Roxie et al.:
And all that jazz
Company:
THAT JAZZ!
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