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AVENUE Q THEME
COMPANY
The sun is shining,
It's a lovely day,
a perfect morning
for a kid to play,
but you've
got lots
of bills to pay --
what can you do?
You work real hard
and the pay's real low
and ev'ry hour
goes
oh, so slow
and at the end of the day
there's nowhere to go
but home to Avenue Q!
You live on Avenue Q!
Your
friends do too.
You are twenty-two
and you live on Avenue Q!
You live on Avenue Q
You live on Avenue Q!
WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A B.A. IN ENGLISH/ IT SUCKS TO BE ME
PRINCETON
What do you do with a B.A. in English?
What is my life going to be?
Four years of college
and
plenty of knowledge
have earned me
this useless degree.
I can't pay the bills yet,
'cause I have no skills yet.
The
world is a big
scary place...
But somehow I can't shake
the feeling I might make
a difference
to the human
race!
(spoken)
KATE MONSTER
Morning, Brian!
BRIAN
Hi, Kate Monster.
KATE MONSTER
How's
life?
BRIAN
Disappointing!
KATE MONSTER
What's the matter?
BRIAN
The catering company laid me
off.
KATE MONSTER
Oh, I'm sorry!
BRIAN
Me too! I mean, look at me! I'm ten years out of college, and I
always
thought --
KATE MONSTER
What?
BRIAN
No, it sounds stupid.
KATE MONSTER
Aww, come on!
(sung)
BRIAN
When
I was little I thought I would be...
KATE MONSTER
What?
BRIAN
A big comedian on late night t.v.
But
now I'm thirty-two and as you can see
I'm not.
KATE MONSTER
Nope!
BRIAN
Oh well,
it sucks to be
me.
KATE MONSTER
Nooooo.
BRIAN
It sucks to be me.
KATE MONSTER
No!
BRIAN
It sucks
to be broke and unemployed
and turning thirty-three.
It sucks to be me.
KATE MONSTER
Oh, you think your life
sucks?
BRIAN
I think so.
KATE MONSTER
Your problems aren't so bad!
I'm kinda pretty, and pretty damn
smart.
BRIAN
You are.
KATE MONSTER
Thanks!
I like romantic things like music and art.
And as you
know I have a gigantic heart.
So why, don't I have a boyfriend?
Fuck! It sucks to be me!
BRIAN
Me too.
KATE
MONSTER
It sucks to be me.
BRIAN
It sucks to be me.
It sucks to be Brian...
KATE MONSTER
And Kate...
BRIAN
To
not have a job!
KATE MONSTER
To not have a date!
BOTH
It sucks to be me.
(spoken)
BRIAN
Hey,
Rod, Nicky, can you settle something for us?
Do you have a second?
ROD
Ah, certainly.
KATE MONSTER
Whose
life sucks more? Brian's or mine?
(sung)
NICKY AND ROD
Ours!
ROD
We live together.
NICKY
We're
as close as people can get.
ROD
We've been the best of buddies...
NICKY
Ever since the day we met.
ROD
So
he knows lots of ways to make me really upset.
Oh, every day is an aggravation.
NICKY
Come on, that's an exaggeration!
ROD
You
leave your clothes out.
You put your feet on my chair.
NICKY
Oh yeah? You do such anal things
like ironing
your underwear.
ROD
You make that very small apartment we share
a hell.
NICKY
So do you.
That's
why I'm in hell too!
ROD
It sucks to be me!
NICKY
No, it sucks to be me!
KATE MONSTER
It sucks
to be me!
BRIAN
It sucks to be me!
ALL
Is there anybody here it doesn't suck to be?
It sucks to be
me!
CHRISTMAS EVE
Why you all so happy?
NICKY
Because our lives suck!
CHRISTMAS EVE
Your lives
suck?
I hearing you correctly? Ha!
I coming to this country for opportunities.
Tried to work in Korean deli,
but
I am Japanese.
But with hard work I earn two Master's Degrees
in social work!
And now I a therapist!
But I have
no clients!
(smacking Brian)
And I have an
unemployed fiance!
And we have lots
of bills to pay!
It
suck to be me!
It suck to be me!
I say it
Sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-
sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-
sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-
suck!
It
suck to be me.
(spoken)
PRINCETON
Excuse me?
BRIAN
Hey there.
PRINCETON
Sorry to bother
you, but I'm looking for a place to live.
CHRISTMAS EVE
Why you looking all the way out here?
PRINCETON
Well,
I started at Avenue A, but so far everything is out
of my price range. But this neighborhood looks a lot cheaper!
Oh,
and look -- a "For Rent" sign!
BRIAN
You need to talk to the superintendent. Let me get him.
PRINCETON
Great,
thanks!
BRIAN
Yo, GARY!
GARY COLEMAN
I'm comin'! I'm comin'!
PRINCETON
Oh my God! It's Gary
Coleman!
GARY COLEMAN
Yes I am!
(sung)
I'm Gary Coleman
from TV's Diff'rent Strokes
I made a
lotta money
that got stolen by my folks!
Now I'm broke and
I'm the butt of everyone's jokes,
but I'm here --
the
superintendent!
On Avenue Q --
ALL
It sucks to be you.
KATE MONSTER
You win!
ALL
It sucks
to be you.
BRIAN
I feel better now!
GARY COLEMAN
Try having people stopping you to ask you
"What you
talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
It gets old.
ALL
It sucks to be you.
On Avenue Q.
(sucks to be me)
On Avenue
Q.
(sucks to be you)
On Avenue Q.
(sucks to be us)
But not when
we're together.
We're together
here on
Avenue Q!
We live on Avenue Q!
Our friends do too!
'Til our dreams come true,
we live on Avenue Q!
PRINCETON
This
is real life!
ALL
We live on Avenue Q!
NICKY
You're gonna love it.
ALL
We live on Avenue Q!
GARY
COLEMAN
Here's your keys!
ALL
Welcome to Avenue Q!
IF YOU WE'RE GAY
ROD
Aah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book, "Broadway
Musicals of the 1940s." No roommate to
bother me.
How could it get any better than this?
NICKY
Oh, hi Rod!
ROD
Hi Nicky.
NICKY
Hey
Rod, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning.
This guy was smiling at me and talking to me --
ROD
That's
very interesting.
NICKY
He was being real friendly, and I think he was coming on to me.
I think he might've thought
I was gay!
ROD
Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care?
I don't care. What did you have
for lunch today?
NICKY
Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Rod...
ROD
I'm NOT getting defensive!
What do I care about some
gay guy you met, okay? I'm trying to read.
NICKY
Oh, I didn't mean anything by it,
Rod. I just think it's
something we should be able to talk about.
ROD
I don't want to talk about it, Nicky! This
conversation is over!!!
NICKY
Yeah, but...
ROD
Over!!!
NICKY
Well, okay, but just so you know
--
(sung)
If you were gay
that'd be okay.
I mean 'cause, hey,
I'd like you anyway.
Because you
see,
if it were me,
I would feel free
to say that I was gay
(but I'm not gay).
ROD
Nicky, please! I
am trying to read...
What?!
NICKY
If you were queer
I'd still be here,
year after year
because you're
dear
to me.
And I know that you
would accept me too,
if I told you today
"Hey! Guess what,
I'm gay!"
(But
I'm not gay)
I'm happy
just being with you.
So what should it
matter to me
what you do in bed
with guys?
ROD
Nicky,
that's GROSS!
NICKY
No, it's not!
If you were gay
I'd shout hooray!
And here I'd stay,
But I wouldn't
get
in your way.
You can count on me
to always be
beside you every day,
to tell you it's okay,
you were
just born
that way,
and, as they say,
it's in your DNA,
you're gay!
ROD
But I'm not gay!
NICKY
If
you WERE gay.
ROD
Argh!
PURPOSE
PRINCETON
Purpose,
it's that little flame
that lights a fire
under your ass.
Purpose,
it
keeps you going strong
like a car with a full
tank of gas.
Everyone else has
a purpose
so what's mine?
Oh
look! Here's a penny!
It's from the year I was born!
It's a sign!
Ba-ba-ba-ba
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
I don't
know how I know,
but I'm gonna find
my purpose.
Gotta find out,
don't wanna wait!
Got to make sure that my
life
will be great!
Gotta find my purpose
before it's too late.
I'm gonna find my purpose
could be far, could be
near
could take a week,
a month, a year
At a job, or smoking grass
maybe at a pottery class!
Could
it be?
Yes it could!
Something's coming,
something good!
I'm gonna find my purpose
I'm gonna find my purpose
I'm
gonna find it!
What will it be? Where will it be?
My purpose in life is a mystery
Gotta find my purpose
Gotta
find me.
EVERYONE'S A LITTLE BIT RACIST
PRINCETON
Say, Kate, can I ask you a question?
KATE MONSTER
Sure!
PRINCETON
Well,
you know Trekkie Monster upstairs?
KATE MONSTER
Uh huh!
PRINCETON
Well, he's Trekkie Monster, and you're
Kate Monster.
KATE MONSTER
Right.
PRINCETON
You're both Monsters.
KATE MONSTER
Yeah.
PRINCETON
Are
you two related?
KATE MONSTER
What! Princeton I'm surprised at you! I find that racist!
PRINCETON
Oh,
well, I'm sorry! I was just asking.
KATE MONSTER
Well, it's a touchy subject. Now, now all Monsters are related.
What
are you trying to say, huh? --
That we all look the same to you? Huh, huh, huh?
PRINCETON
No, no, no, not at
all. I'm sorry, I guess that was a little racist.
KATE MONSTER
I should say so. You should be much more careful
when you're
talking about the sensitive subject of race.
PRINCETON
Well, look who's talking!
KATE MONSTER
What
do you mean?
PRINCETON
What about that special Monster School you told me about?
KATE MONSTER
What about
it?
PRINCETON
Could someone like me go there?
KATE MONSTER
No, we don't want people like you --
PRINCETON
You
see?!
(sung)
You're a little bit racist.
KATE MONSTER
Well, you're a little bit, too.
PRINCETON
I
guess we're both a little bit racist.
KATE MONSTER
Admitting it is not an easy thing to do...
PRINCETON
But
I guess it's true
KATE MONSTER
Between me and you, I think
BOTH
Everyone's a little bit
racist, sometimes.
Doesn't
mean we go around committing
hate crimes.
Look around and
you will find,
no one's really
color-blind.
Maybe
it's a fact
we all should face.
Everyone makes
judgments...
based on race.
(spoken)
PRINCETON
Not
big judgments, like who to hire or who to buy a newspaper from --
KATE MONSTER
No!
PRINCETON
No, just
little judgments like thinking that Mexican busboys
should learn to speak goddamn English!
KATE MONSTER
Right!
(sung)
BOTH
Everyone's
a little
bit racist -- today,
so, everyone's a little
big racist -- okay!
Ethnic jokes might
be uncouth,
but
you laugh because
they're based on truth.
Don't take them as
personal attacks.
Everyone enjoys them --
so relax!
(spoken)
PRINCETON
All
right, stop me if you've heard this one.
There's a plane going down and there's only one parachute.
And there's a rabbi,
a priest...
KATE MONSTER
... and a BLACK guy!
GARY COLEMAN
Whatchoo talkin' about Kate?
KATE MONSTER
Uh
--
GARY COLEMAN
You were telling a BLACK joke!
PRINCETON
Well, sure, Gary, but lost of people tell black
jokes...
GARY COLEMAN
I don't.
PRINCETON
Well, of course you don't -- you're black!
But I bet you tell
Polack jokes, right?
GARY COLEMAN
Well, sure I do. Those stupid Polacks!
PRINCETON
Don't you think that's
a little racist?
GARY COLEMAN
Well, damn, I guess you're right.
(sung)
KATE MONSTER
You're a little
bit racist.
GARY COLEMAN
Well, you're a little bit, too.
PRINCETON
We're all a little bit racist.
GARY
COLEMAN
I think that I would have to agree with you.
PRINCETON & KATE MONSTER
We're glad you do.
GARY
COLEMAN
It's sad, but true!
Everyone's a little bit racist -- all right!
Bigotry has never been exclusively white
--
ALL
If we all could
just admit
that we are racist
a little bit,
even though we all
know that it's
wrong,
maybe it would help
us get along!
(spoken)
PRINCETON
Christ, do I feel good!
GARY COLEMAN
Now
there was a fine upstanding black man!
PRINCETON
Who?
GARY COLEMAN
Jesus Christ!
KATE MONSTER
But
Gary, Jesus was white!
GARY COLEMAN
No, Jesus was black.
KATE MONSTER
No, Jesus was white!
GARY
COLEMAN
No, I'm pretty sure Jesus was black!
PRINCETON
Guys -- Jesus was Jewish!
BRIAN
Hey guys, what
are you laughing about?
GARY COLEMAN
Racism!
BRIAN
Cool.
CHRISTMAS EVE
Brian! You come back
here! You take out lecycuraburs!
PRINCETON
What's that mean?
BRIAN
Um. Recyclables.
(Everyone laughs)
Hey,
don't laugh at her! How many languages do you speak?
KATE MONSTER
Oh, come off it, Brian!
(sung)
Everyone's
a little bit racist.
BRIAN
I'm not!
PRINCETON
Oh, no?
BRIAN
Nope! How many oriental wives have
you got?
CHRISTMAS EVE
What? Brian!
PRINCETON
Brian, buddy,
where you been?
The term is Asian-American!
CHRISTMAS
EVE
I know you are
no intending to be,
but calling me
oriental -- offensive to me!
(spoken)
BRIAN
I'm
sorry honey, I love you.
CHRISTMAS EVE
And I love you.
BRIAN
But you're racist, too.
CHRISTMAS
EVE
Yes, I know.
(sung)
The Jews have all
the money
and the whites have
all the power
and I'm
always in
taxi-cab with driver
who no shower!
PRINCETON
Me too!
KATE MONSTER
Me too!
GARY
COLEMAN
I can't even get a taxi!
ALL
Everyone's a little bit
racist, it's true.
But everyone is just about
as
racist as you!
If we all could just admit
that we are racist a little bit,
and everyone
stopped being so P.C.,
maybe
we could
live in -- harmony!
CHRISTMAS EVE
Ev'lyone's a ritter bit lacist!
THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN
KATE MONSTER
(spoken)
Finally! I get to teach a whole lesson all by myself!
And I'm gonna teach
something relevant, something
modern -- the internet!
(sung)
The internet is really really great.
TREKKIE
MONSTER
For porn!
KATE MONSTER
I got a fast connection so I didn't have to wait.
TREKKIE MONSTER
For
porn!
KATE MONSTER
There's always some new site.
TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn!
KATE MONSTER
I browse
all day and night.
TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn!
KATE MONSTER
It's like I'm surfing at the speed of light.
TREKKIE
MONSTER
For porn!
KATE MONSTER
(spoken)
Trekkie!
TREKKIE MONSTER
(sung)
The internet is for porn!
The internet is for porn!
Why do you think the net was born?
Porn! Porn! Porn!
KATE MONSTER
(spoken)
Trekkie!
What are you doing?
TREKKIE MONSTER
Hello, Kate Monster.
KATE MONSTER
You are ruining my song.
TREKKIE
MONSTER
Oh, me sorry. Me no mean to.
KATE MONSTER
Well, if you wouldn't mind, please, being
quiet for a minute
so I can finish?
TREKKIE MONSTER
Okey-dokey.
KATE MONSTER
Good.
(sung)
I'm glad we have
this new technology.
TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn. (oop!)
KATE MONSTER
Which gives us untold opportunity.
TREKKIE
MONSTER
For porn. (ooops, sorry!)
KATE MONSTER
Right from your own desktop...
TREKKIE MONSTER
For p----.
KATE
MONSTER
You can research, browse and shop...
Until you've had enough and you're ready to stop!
TREKKIE MONSTER
For
porn!
KATE MONSTER
Trekkie!
TREKKIE MONSTER
The internet is for porn!
The internet is for porn!
The
internet is for porn!
Me up all night honking me
horn to porn, porn, porn!
KATE MONSTER
(spoken)
That's
gross! You're a pervert!
TREKKIE MONSTER
Ahh, sticks and stones, Kate Monster.
KATE MONSTER
No, really,
you're a pervert! Normal people
don't sit at home and look at porn on the internet!
TREKKIE MONSTER
Ohhhhh?
KATE
MONSTER
What?
TREKKIE MONSTER
You have no idea. Ready, normal people?
BRIAN
Ready!
GARY COLEMAN
Ready!
ROD
Ready!
TREKKIE
MONSTER
Lemme hear it!
(sung)
GUYS
The internet is for porn.
PRINCETON
Sorry, Kate!
GUYS
The
internet is for porn.
PRINCETON
I masturbate!
TREKKIE MONSTER
All these guys unzip their flies for...
GUYS
Porn!
Porn! Porn!
(spoken)
KATE MONSTER
The internet is not for porn!
Hold on a second!
TREKKIE MONSTER
Wha?
KATE
MONSTER
Now, I happen to know for a fact that you, Rod,
check your portfolio and trade stocks online.
ROD
That's
correct.
KATE MONSTER
And Brian, you buy things on Amazon.com!
BRIAN
Sure.
KATE MONSTER
And
Gary, you keep selling your possessions on eBay!
GARY COLEMAN
Yes, I do!
KATE MONSTER
And Princeton, you
sent me that sweet online birthday card.
PRINCETON
True.
TREKKIE MONSTER
But Kate... what you think he
do after, hmmm?
PRINCETON
Yeah.
KATE MONSTER
Ewww!
(sung)
GUYS
The internet is for porn.
The
internet is for porn.
Grab your dick and double click
for porn! Porn! Porn!
Poooorn!
Poooorn!
The internet
is for,
internet is for,
internet is for porn!
KATE
(spoken simultaneously)
Gross! I hate porn! I hate
men!
I'm leaving! I hate the internet!
SPECIAL
LUCY
I can make you feel
special.
When it sucks to be you.
Let me make you feel
special.
For
an hour or two.
Your life's a routine
that repeats each day.
No one cares who you are
or what you say.
And
sometimes you feel
like you're nobody,
but you can feel like
somebody with me.
PRINCETON
Wow!
LUCY
Yeah,
they're real.
When we're together
the earth will shake
and the stars will fall
into the sea.
So come on,
baby,
let down your guard.
When your date's in
the bathroom,
I'll slip you my card.
I can tell just by looking
that
you've got it hard
For me! For me!
For me! For me!
For me! For me!
I can tell just by looking
that you are
especially
hard for me!
YOU CAN BE AS LOUD AS THE HELL YOU WANT (WHEN YOU'RE MAKING LOVE)
(spoken)
BAD IDEA BEAR #1
Take her home!
BAD IDEA BEAR #2
She's wasted!
BAD IDEA
BEARS
Yaaaayyy!
KATE MONSTER
My God, Princeton! Right there! Right there!
That's the spot -- that's the spot!
-- okay,
a little lower -- okay, now to the left --
no, my left -- ohhhhhhhh!
PRINCETON
Oh, my God, Kate,
no one's ever touched me
like this before -- you can't put your finger there --
Ooh, put your finger there!
BOTH
Oh
yeah!
(they dive under the covers. Lights up on Gary Coleman who's listening in)
(sung)
GARY COLEMAN
You
can be as loud as
the hell you want
when you're making love.
You can be as loud as
the hell you want
when you're
making love.
You can be as loud as
the hell you want
when you're making love.
GARY AND BEARS
You can be
as loud as
the hell you want...
KATE MONSTER
(Screaming in pleasure)
Aaaaaahhh!
PRINCETON
Yaaaaaaahhh!
(a
phone rings, Gary picks it up)
(spoken)
Gary Coleman.
You hear what? -- Hell no, I won't tell them to quiet down!
(Princeton
and Kate pop up from under the covers)
KATE MONSTER
Are we being too loud?
PRINCETON
Yeah, are we bothering
someone?
GARY COLEMAN
Oh, no, not at all, kids.
You keep doing what you're doing.
BAD IDEA BEARS
Yeah!
Louder!
(sung)
GARY COLEMAN
You're not allowed to
be loud at the library,
at the art museum or
at
a play
But when you and
your partner are doin' the nasty
don't behave like you're
at the ballet!
'Cause
you can be as loud
as the hell you want
when you're making love.
You can be as loud
as the hell you want
when
you're making love.
Don't let the neighbors
stop you from havin' fun,
they'll have peace and
quiet when you're
good
and done.
ALL
Be as loud as
the hell you want
when you're making love!
(heavy breathing)
Loud as the
hell you want...
KATE MONSTER
Faster, Princeton!
CHRISTMAS EVE
Brian, slow down! This not a race!
ALL
Loud
as the hell you want...
PRINCETON
Oh, YEAH!
BRIAN
Who's your daddy?
CHRISTMAS EVE
What?? Brian!!
ALL
Loud
as the hell you want...
Loud as the hell you want...
GARY COLEMAN
Smack it and lick it and rub
it and suck
it!
ALL
Loud as the hell you want...
CHRISTMAS EVE
Yes! Work your mama!
ALL
Loud as the hell
you --
KATE MONSTER
Oh yeah, that's it!
BRIAN
Ooh, babe!
TREKKIE MONSTER
(enjoying himself)
Uuuuuhh!
ALL
Loud as the hell you... (x7)
want!
MY GIRLFRIEND WHO LIVES IN CANADA
ROD
Ohhhhh.....
I wish you could meet my
girlfriend, my girlfriend
who lives in Canada.
She
couldn't be sweeter,
I wish you could meet her,
my girlfriend who lives
in Canada!
Her name is Alberta,
she
lives in Vancouver.
She cooks like my mother
and sucks like a hoover.
I e-mail her every single
day, just
to make sure
that everything's okay.
It's a pity she lives so
far away, in Canada!
Laaaaaast week she was
here,
but she had the flu.
Too baaaaaad
'cause I wanted to introduce her to you.
It's so saaaaaaaaad --
There wasn't
a thing that she could do
but stay in bed,
with her legs up over her head!
Oh!
I wish you could meet
my
girlfriend,
but you can't,
because she is in Canada.
I love her, I miss her,
I can't wait to kiss her,
so soon
I'll be off to Alberta!
I mean Vancouver!
Shit! Her name is Alberta,
she lives in Vancou--
She's my girlfriend!
My
wonderful girlfriend!
Yes, I have a girlfriend,
who lives in Canada!!
(spoken)
And I can't wait to eat
her pussy again!
THERE'S A FINE, FINE LINE
KATE MONSTER
There's a fine, fine line
between a lover, and a friend.
There's a fine, fine line
between
reality, and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top
if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine,
fine line
between love,
and a waste of time
There's a fine, fine line
between a fairy tale, and a lie.
And
there's a fine, fine line
between "you're wonderful" and "goodbye".
I guess if someone doesn't love you back
it isn't
such a crime
But there's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of your time
And I don't have the
time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity I've got to
close the door
And walk away...
Oh...
There's a fine, fine line
between together,
and not.
And there's
a fine, fine line
between what you wanted,
and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want
while you're
still in your prime.
There's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of time.
THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT
(spoken)
BRIAN
Princeton!
PRINCETON
Yeah.
BRIAN
Listen, buddy, nobody's seen
ya for two weeks. What's up with that?
PRINCETON
I went to work for a temp agency, and they fired me for being too
depressing
on teh phone. I maxed out my cards. I'm two months
behind in rent. I totally messed up my personal life. Oh, and Brian
--
I still haven't found my purpose!
BRIAN
All right. Get off your ass and stop worrying! Everyone's getting
together
to mess around the city today.
PRINCETON
Have fun.
BRIAN
When I say "everyone", that includes you!
(sung)
There
is life outside your apartment
I know it's hard to conceive,
but there's life outside your apartment,
and you're
only gonna see it if you leave.
There is cool shit to do,
but it can't come to you.
And who knows, dude,
you might
even score!
There is life outside your apartment,
but you've got to open the door!
(spoken)
PRINCETON
No,
thanks, I'm staying in.
BRIAN
Don't tell me I gotta force you.
PRINCETON
Sorry!
BRIAN
All right
everyone! He's resisting!
(Christmas Eve, Trekkie Monster, Gary and Nicky pick Princeton
up and drag him outside)
(sung)
ALL
BUT PRINCETON
There is life outside...
there is life outside...
there is life outside...
there is life outside...
your
apartment!
There's a pigeon squashed on the street.
CHRISTMAS EVE
Eww.
BRIAN
There's a girl passing
by
NICKY
No, I think it's a guy
ALL BUT PRINCETON
And a homeless man who only wants
to buy something
to eat!
Sorry! Can't help you!
(they enter the subway)
ALL BUT PRINCETON
We could go to the zoo!
TREKKIE
MONSTER
Pick up girls at NYU!
BRIAN
We could sit in the park smoking pot!
CHRISTMAS EVE
Or not!
ALL
BUT PRINCETON
There is life outside your apartment
PRINCETON
Well, I guess I'll give it a shot!
(*gunshot*,
everyone screams and runs)
ALL
There is life outside your apartment
I know --
(*loud jackhammer* -- they
cover their ears and swear)
There is life outside your apartment
(they look up in horror)
OFFSTAGE VOICE
I'm
gonna jump!
ALL
Don't do it!
OFFSTAGE VOICE
Okay!
ALL
There is cool shit to do
but it can't
come to you
So come on --
(*car screeches to a halt*)
OFFSTAGE VOICE
Get out of the way asshole!
PRINCETON
Fuck
you!
ALL
There is life outside your apartment!
Oh, you never know what's around the bend.
You could win the
lotto or make a friend...
(Lucy enters, the guys eye her and turn to Princeton)
GUYS
Take her home to see
your apartment...
LUCY
Do you wanna feel special?
GUYS
Special!
LUCY
I can see that you do.
GUYS
Ooooh-wah!
LUCY
Well,
I can make you feel... special
if you let me feel you.
GUYS
She'll feel you!
LUCY
Where's your pad?
PRINCETON
Not
too far!
GUYS
We could call you a car!
PRINCETON
We'll be fine, thank you! See ya!
CHRISTMAS EVE
Hope
you don't get gonorrhea!
ALL
There's life outside your apartment...
PRINCETON AND LUCY
But now it's time
to go home!
GROUP
There is life outside your apartment...
PRINCETON
It's time to go home!
GROUP
There
is life outside your apartment...
LUCY
I can make you feel special...
GROUP
There is life outside your
apartment...
ALL
But now it's time to go home
TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn!
THE MORE YOU RUV SOMEONE
spoken)
KATE MONSTER
Why can't people get along and love each other, Christmas Eve?
CHRISTMAS
EVE
You think getting along same as loving? Sometimes love
right where you hating most, Kate Monster.
KATE MONSTER
Huh?
(sung)
CHRISTMAS
EVE
The more you love someone,
the more you want to kill 'em.
The more you love someone
the more he make you cry.
Though
you are try
for making peace
with them and loving,
that's why you love
so strong you like to
make him die!
The
more you love someone
the more he make you crazy.
The more you love someone
the more you wishing him dead!
Sometime
you look at
him and only see fat and lazy.
And wanting baseball bat
for hitting him on his head!
Love...
KATE
MONSTER
Love...
CHRISTMAS EVE
And hate...
KATE MONSTER
And hate...
CHRISTMAS EVE
They like
two brothers...
KATE MONSTER
Brothers...
CHRISTMAS EVE
Who go on a date.
KATE MONSTER
Who...
what?
CHRISTMAS EVE
Where one of them goes,
other one follows.
You inviting love
he also bringing sorrows.
KATE
MONSTER
Ah, yes.
CHRISTMAS EVE
The more you love someone,
the more you want to kill 'em.
Loving and killing
fit
like hand in glove!
So if there someone
you are wanting
so to kill 'em,
you go and find him,
and you get
him,
and you no kill him,
cause chances good...
CHRISTMAS EVE AND KATE MONSTER
He is your love.
SCHADENFREUDE
GARY COLEMAN
Right now you are
down and out and
feeling really crappy
NICKY
I'll say.
GARY
COLEMAN
And when I see how
sad you are
it sort of makes me...
happy!
NICKY
Happy?!
GARY COLEMAN
Sorry,
Nicky, human nature --
nothing I can do!
It's...
schadenfreude!
Making me feel glad
that I'm not you!
(spoken)
NICKY
Well
that's not very nice, Gary!
GARY COLEMAN
I didn't say it was nice! But everybody does it!
(sung)
D'ja
ever clap when a
waitress falls and drops
a tray of glasses?
NICKY
Yeah...
GARY COLEMAN
And it ain't
it fun to
watch figure skaters
falling down on their asses?
NICKY
Sure!
GARY COLEMAN
And don'tcha
feel all
warm and cozy,
watching people
out in the rain!
NICKY
You bet!
GARY COLEMAN
That's...
GARY
AND NICKY
Schadenfreude!
GARY COLEMAN
People taking pleasure in your pain!
(spoken)
NICKY
Oh,
schadenfreude, huh? What's that, some kinda Nazi word?
GARY COLEMAN
Yup! It's German for "happiness at the misfortune
of others!"
NICKY
"Happiness at the misfortune of others." That IS German!
(sung)
Watching a vegetarian
being
told she just
ate chicken
GARY COLEMAN
Or watching a
frat boy realize
just what he put his dick in!
NICKY
Being
on an elevator
when somebody shouts
"Hold the door!"
GARY AND NICKY
"NO!"
Schadenfreude!
GARY COLEMAN
"Fuck
you lady, that's what stairs are for!"
NICKY
Oooh, how about...
Straight-A students getting Bs?
GARY COLEMAN
Exes
getting STDs!
NICKY
Waking doormen from their naps!
GARY COLEMAN
Watching tourists reading maps!
NICKY
Football
players getting tackled!
GARY COLEMAN
CEOs getting shackled!
NICKY
Watching actors never reach
GARY
AND NICKY
The ending of their Oscar speech!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
GARY
COLEMAN
The world needs people like you and me
who've been knocked around by fate.
'Cause when people see us,
they
don't want to be us,
and that makes them feel great.
NICKY
Sure! We provide a vital service to society!
GARY
AND NICKY
You and me! Schadenfreude!
Making the world a better place...
Making the world a better place...
Making
the world a better place...
to be!
GARY COLEMAN
S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!
I WISH I COULD GO BACK TO COLLEGE
(Kate is on the observation deck of the Empire State Building)
KATE MONSTER
I wish I could go back to college.
Life was so simple back then.
(Nicky appears
on a dark corner, shivering)
NICKY
What would I give to go back and live
in a dorm with a meal plan again!
(Nicky
and Kate sigh. Lights rise on Princeton, at the hospital,
sitting next to Lucy's bed)
PRINCETON
I wish I could
go back to college.
In college you know who you are.
You sit in the quad
and think, "Oh my God!
I am totally gonna
go far!"
ALL
How do I go back to college?
I don't know who I am anymore!
PRINCETON
I wanna go back
to my room and find
a message in dry-erase pen on the door!
Ohhh...
I wish I could just drop a class...
NICKY
Or
get into a play...
KATE MONSTER
Or change my major...
PRINCETON
Or fuck my T.A.
ALL
I need an
academic advisor to point the way!
We could be...
Sitting in the computer lab,
4 a.m. before the final paper
is due,
cursing the world 'cause I didn't start sooner,
and seeing the rest of the class there, too!
PRINCETON
I
wish I could go back to college!
ALL
How do I go back to college?!
Ahhhhhhh....
PRINCETON
I wish I
had taken more pictures.
NICKY
But if I were to go back to college,
think what a loser I'd be --
I'd walk
through the quad, and think
"Oh my God..."
ALL
"These kids are so much younger than me."
FOR NOW
PRINCETON
Why does everything have to be so hard?
GARY COLEMAN
Maybe you'll never find your
purpose.
CHRISTMAS EVE
Lots of people don't.
PRINCETON
But then -- I don't know why I'm even alive!
KATE
MONSTER
Well, who does, really?
(sung)
Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied.
BRIAN
Everyone goes
'round a little empty inside.
GARY COLEMAN
Take a breath, look around.
BRIAN
Swallow your pride.
KATE
MONSTER
For now...
BRIAN, KATE, GARY AND CHRISTMAS EVE
For now...
NICKY
Nothing lasts,
ROD
Life
goes on.
NICKY
Full of surprises.
ROD
You'll be faced
with problems
of all shapes and sizes.
CHRISTMAS
EVE
You're going to have
to make a few
compromises...
for now...
ALL
But only for now! (for now)
Only
for now! (for now)
Only for now! (for now)
Only for now!
LUCY
For now we're healthy.
BRIAN
For now
we're employed.
BAD IDEA BEARS
For now we're happy...
KATE MONSTER
If not overjoyed.
PRINCETON
And
we'll accept the things
we cannot avoid, for now...
GARY COLEMAN
For now...
TREKKIE MONSTER
For now...
KATE
MONSTER
For now...
ALL
But only for now! (for now)
Only for now! (for now)
Only for now! (for now)
Only
for now!
Only for now!
(For now there's life!)
Only for now!
(For now there's love!)
Only for now!
(For
now there's work!)
For now there's happiness!
But only for now!
(For now discomfort!)
Only for now!
(For now
there's friendship!)
Only for now (for now)
Only for now!
Only for now! (Sex!)
Is only for now! (Your hair!)
Is
only for now! (George Bush!)
Is only for now!
Don't stress,
relax,
let life roll off
your backs
except
for death
and paying taxes
everything in life is
only for now!
NICKY
Each time you smile...
ALL
...
Only for now
KATE MONSTER
It'll only last a while.
ALL
... Only for now
PRINCETON
Life may be
scary...
ALL
... Only for now
But it's only temporary.
Ba-dum ba-dum,
ba-dum ba-dum
ba-dum ba-dum
ba-da
da da da
ba-da da-da da da-da
ba-dum ba-da, ba-dum
ba-da, oooooh --
PRINCETON
Everything in life is only
for now.
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