We Will Rock You- Libretto

Yes Things:

*Killer Queen
Gunpowder gelatine
Dynamite with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime*

Killer Queen:

*Drop of a hat I'm as willing as
Playful as a pussycat
Then momentarily out of action
Temporarily out of gas
To absolutely drive you wild, wild
I'm out to get you *

Commander Khashoggi!

(KHASHOGGI enters stage right)

The Globalsoft board and I have been discussing your recent security
memo. We want answers. Can you hear me? Is the resistance destroyed?

Khashoggi:

Yes - and no, ma'am.

Killer Queen:

What?

Khashoggi:

Yes, I can hear you. No, the resistance is not destroyed.

Killer Queen:

Well, what of the old librarian you've been torturing? Do you take the
text that he discovered seriously?

Khashoggi:

Yes, ma'am, I'm afraid I do.

(shocked gasp from YES THINGS. Raised eyebrow from KILLER QUEEN)

The legend clearly stated that musical instruments still exist somewhere on Planet Mall, at the place of champions, hidden within the living rock.

Killer Queen:

But which rock, and where? The whole damn planet's a rock, if you didn't know!

Yes Things:

Ha ha!

Killer Queen:

And what of this shining star that is supposed to guide us? I have had
the company's finest astronomers combing the heavens for months. There is no new star!

Khashoggi:

Not that we've spotted, ma'am, certainly.

Killer Queen:

Well, star or no star, I intend to blast every rock on Planet Mall to
smithereens, just in case! Stonehenge. Mount Rushmore. The famed
Victoria Beckham Belly Button Diamond. If these grim tools of freedom do exist, I shall find them!

(synchronised double clap from YES THINGS)

Khashoggi:

As always, ma'am, you leave me limp with excitement.

(he leaves)

Killer Queen:

And now, let us return to the real business of Globalsoft. The business
of the complete appropriation of the imagination of every kid on Planet
Mall. Take a memo! Email to all consumers planetwide. 'Dear everybody in the world - get online you pleasure seekers, and download the Killer
Queen!

*Open up your mind and let me step inside
Rest your weary head and let your heart decide
It's so easy when you know the rules
It's so easy all you have to do is fall in love
Play the game
Everybody play the game of love

When you're feeling down and your resistance is low
Take a cyber-shopping trip and let yourself go
Give me your life
Don't play hard to get
It's a free world
All you have to do is fall in love
Play the game
Everybody play the game of love

My game of love has just begun
Love runs from my head down to your toes
My love is pumping through your veins
(Play the game)
Driving you insane
Come, come, play the game
Play the game, play the game, play the game *

(the rotaty bit rotates. It looks cool so I thought I'd mention it)

This is your life - don't play hard to get
It's a free free world
All you have to do is fall in love
Play the game
Everybody play the game of love *

*Of love, of love, of love, of love *

(Fade to black. Exit KILLER QUEEN and YES THINGS. Lights up to reveal GALILEO, seated in the green laser cage, and KHASHOGGI and two MINIONS standing behind him)

Khashoggi:

We found your laptop, boy. And read the notes you keep.

Galileo:

So pigs can read! You'll be flying next.

Khashoggi:

What does 'a-wop-bop-a-loo-bop, a-lop-bam-boo' mean?

Galileo:

Isn't it obvious? It means 'a-wop-bop-a-loo-bop, a-lop-b-b-bam-boo'.

Khashoggi:

Do you really have a girl named Daisy who almost drives you crazy?

Galileo:

Of course! And she knows how to love me, yes indeed, you don't know what she's doin' to me:

Khashoggi:

Then where is she? What is her email address? How does she love you? How does she drive you crazy? Is she a drug pusher?

Galileo:

You're madder than I am, pig! There is no girl named Daisy! I wish there was. I just wrote it, that's all. It appeared in my head!

Khashoggi:

Don't play games with me, boy! I'll make you wish you'd never been born!

Galileo:

Don't you think I wish that every day?

Minion 1:

Where is Penny Lane?

Minion 2:

What are the Strawberry Fields?

Khashoggi:

'Under ground, over ground, wombling free'. What means this dark and
cryptic text, boy?

Galileo:

I wish I knew! Oh, sweet mother, I wish I knew.

(KHASHOGGI gestures and the 'cage' round GALILEO disappears)

Khashoggi:

Tell me, Galileo, do you know what a 'bohemian' is?

Galileo:

Haven't you got it yet? I don't know what anything is!

Khashoggi:

Excellent, excellent! I think I've found you just in time!

(more MINIONS appear at the back of the stage, wheeling a gurney)

Minion 1:

The Seven Seas of Rhye, Commander?

Khashoggi:

No, not yet. Eventually, yes. But first I think this boy may have his
uses!

(the MINIONS pick GALILEO up, sit him on the gurney, and wheel it off)

Khashoggi to Killer Queen!

(the video screen descends, depicting KILLER QUEEN. Hands are primping her hair)

Killer Queen:

Yes, Commander?

Khashoggi:

Good news, ma'am!

Killer Queen:

It had better be; I'm having my hair done. (to one side) Get me a
skinny latte! (hands disappear) So?

Khashoggi:

I believe the last of the remaining rebels will soon be within my
clutches, ma'am!

Killer Queen:

Then you must crush them without mercy!

Khashoggi:

My, my, ma'am, you are an eager beaver.

Killer Queen:

Just leave my eager beaver out of this! We were discussing the rebels.

Khashoggi:

Yes. The last thing we want to do is worry the GaGa kids. Particularly
now, with summer upon us once more.

Killer Queen:

There are no seasons in the virtual world, Commander!

Khashoggi:

Not online, ma'am, but sadly the physical world still exists. It's hot
out there - hot, and edgy. The rivers are drying up, the lakes are
evaporating, and resistance is growing.

Killer Queen:

The bohemians!

Khashoggi:

But of course, ma'am!

Killer Queen:

Who are these people? What do they want?

Khashoggi:

Oh, they want it all, ma'am, and they want it now. They want their
'rhapsody'.

Killer Queen:

That is a prescribed word, Commander! No such state of being exists!

Khashoggi:

Not yet -

Killer Queen:

Not ever! The bohemian rhapsody is a myth! A myth, do you hear me? Have you not reported that the euphoria they seek can only be unleashed through music? Real, live music?

Khashoggi:

That is certainly what they believe, ma'am.

Killer Queen:

Then there will be no rhapsody! For there are no instruments left on
Planet Mall! And the kids will never, ever make their own music again!!

(evil laughter. Intro to 'Death on Two Legs' plays. The video screen
ascends and KHASHOGGI exits. MINIONS wheel on two gurneys and depart. GALILEO is lying on one (stage left) and SCARAMOUCHE on the other (stage right). They are toe to toe, lying down with bandages round their heads. They see each other and sit up)

Galileo:

Hey! G-g-gaGa girl! Who are you?

Scaramouche:

I ain't no GaGa girl! And I don't answer questions. Who're you?

Galileo:

I'm - I don't know who I am. But my name is Galileo Figaro.

Scaramouche:

Cool name.

Galileo:

Thank you!

Scaramouche:

I wasn't being serious. Mind if I shorten it?

Galileo:

Well, I suppose 'Galileo' would be -

Scaramouche:

So, Gazza, tell me, why were you arrested?

Galileo:

Well, because I hear sounds in my head. Words and sounds. I'm mad, you see.

Scaramouche:

I was arrested because they don't like the way I dress!

Galileo:

I think you dress beautifully.

Scaramouche:

That's nice. 'Cept coming from a self-confessed nutter, not. So what
sounds do you hear?

Galileo:

I don't know -

Scaramouche:

Do you know anything?

Galileo:

Yes, I - I know I'm different! That's why the boys in the boyzone hate me.

Scaramouche:

The GaGa girls hate me.

Galileo:

Well, do you know why they hate you?

Scaramouche:

Yeah, they think I'm a lesbian because I don't wear pastels.

Galileo:

No, they hate you because they're scared of you. Because you're
different - you're an individual.

Scaramouche:

What do you think they did to us?

Galileo:

I don't know!

Scaramouche:

Do you think they'll ever give up? And just leave us alone?

Galileo:

Don't you see? We're a threat! A virus on their hard drive. And they
won't give up until they've pointed their little arrow at us.

Scaramouche:

and dragged us to trash!

Both:

*Pressure! Pushing down on me
Pressing down on you, no man ask for
Under pressure*

Galileo:

*That brings a building down
Splits a family in two*

Scaramouche:

*Puts people on streets *

*Um ba ba be
Um ba ba be*

Galileo:

*De day oh
Ee day oh*

Scaramouche:

*That's okay*

Galileo:

*It's the terror of knowing what this world is about*

Scaramouche:

*Watching some good friends screaming*

Both:

*Let me out!*

Galileo:

*Pray tomorrow gets me higher*

Both:

*Pressure on people, people on streets*

Galileo:

*Day day de mm hm
Da da da ba ba*

Scaramouche:

*Okay*

Galileo:

*Chippin' around - kick my brains around the floor
These are the days it never rains but it pours
Ee do ba be
Ee da ba ba ba
Um bo bo
Be lap *

*People on streets - ee da de da de
People on streets - ee da de da de da de da *

*It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends screaming*

Both:

*Let me out!*

Galileo:

*Pray tomorrow gets me higher and higher*

Scaramouche:

*Pressure on people, people on streets*

Both:

*Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work*

Galileo:

*Keep coming up with love but it's all slashed and torn*

Scaramouche:

*Why - why - why? *

(they leap off the gurneys, push them off stage, and rip the bandages
from their heads)

*Love love love love*

Galileo:

*Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking*

Scaramouche:

*Can't we give ourselves one more chance*

Galileo:

*Why can't we give love that one more chance*

Scaramouche:

*Why can't we give love, give love, give love, give love
Give love, give love, give love, give love, give love*

Galileo:

*'Cause love's such an old-fashioned word*

Both:

*And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night *

(they are now at opposite sides of the stage. They turn and start to
walk towards each other)

*And loves dares you to change our way
Of caring about ourselves
This is our last chance
This is our last dance*

Galileo:

*This is ourselves*

Scaramouche:

*Under pressure*

Both:

*Under pressure

(standing face to face, they almost kiss but turn away at the last
moment)

*Pressure *

Scaramouche:

So - where do we go?

Galileo:

Well - out into the night! Out into the streets! We're rebels now!
'Cause baby, we were born to run!

Scaramouche:

Don't call me baby!

Galileo:

I'm sorry, it was just a phrase I heard in my head -

Scaramouche:

Yeah? Keep it there.

(they leave. A video screen descends, showing a TV PRESENTER standing in front of Stonehenge)

Presenter:

Stonehenge. Ancient monument to antiquity. Constant and unchanging, its mighty rocks will stand forever -

(Stonehenge explodes, throwing the PRESENTER to one side and
off-camera. KILLER QUEEN and KHASHOGGI enters stage right)

Khashoggi:

We've searched the rubble, ma'am. And what's more, no instruments were found.

Killer Queen:

Then we've won, Khashoggi. The bohemians will never achieve their rhapsody.

Khashoggi:

With respect, ma'am, the bohemians remain dangerous. All they need is a leader, that's all it takes. One young rebel, one crazy kid with a
dream, a guitar, and a bad-arsed babe to fight for.

Killer Queen:

Could such a hero exist?

Khashoggi:

Oh, but he does already, ma'am. He just doesn't know it yet. He doesn't know himself at all. But I don't know, I've always had a talent for spotting potential.

Killer Queen:

And crushing it!

Khashoggi:

Well, that is my job, ma'am! And with the last dream extinguished,
there'll be nothing left on Planet Mall but entirely untrammelled
marketing, and completely uncritical consumers. You put them together and what do you get?

Killer Queen:

Alchemy, Khashoggi! Pure alchemy!

*One dream, one soul
One prize, one goal
One golden glance of what should be *

(enter chorus of YES THINGS)

Yes Things:

*It's a kind of magic*

Khashoggi:

*One shaft of light that shows the way
No mortal man can win the day*

Yes Things:

*It's a kind of magic*

Khashoggi:

*The bell that rings inside your mind
Is challenging the doors of time*

Killer Queen:

*The waiting seems eternity
The day has dawned of sanity *

*Is this a kind of magic?*

Yes Things:

*It's a kind of magic*

Both:

*There can't be only one
This reign will last a thousand years
We will live on*

Killer Queen:

*This flame that burns inside of me
I'm hearing secret harmonies*

Yes Things:

*It's a kind of magic*

Killer Queen:

*There rings a bell inside your mind*

Both:

*We're challenging the doors of time *

(rotaty thing does its stuff)

Yes Things:

*It's a kind of magic
It's a kind of magic*

All:

*This is (this is) a kind (a kind) of magic (yeah)
There can't be only one
This - - - - that - - - - a thousand years
Will soon be done
Now we are one! *

(fade to black. Stage clears. We hear voices from off stage)

Brit:

It's pretty clear up there, Meat!

Meat:

Are you sure the cops have gone?

Brit:

I'm going up to the surface!

Meat:

Be careful - I'm coming up too!

Brit:

No!

(The backdrop is now of a field of streetlamps and there is a broken
van to stage right. BRIT enters through a trapdoor stage right. MEAT
enters through a trapdoor stage left. BRIT crosses to MEAT)

You are so stubborn!

Meat:

Yeah - but that's what you love about me!

Brit:

So, what we got?

(MEAT drops a rucksack on the ground)

Meat:

Not much. It's mainly plastics and hydrocarbons. But, we got a sheet of tin that we can wobble. Some pebbles that make a nice rattle, and a bottle we can blow across, and a piece of wire to twang.

Brit:

Sweet, sweet music! If only we could find another bit of wood to bang
against the one we've got.

Meat:

Yeah!

(she throws her arms round him, then backs off and puts her hands on
her hips)

Oh, you naughty boy! I think I've found a piece of wood right here!

Brit:

Oh yeah! No. Your job is to take this stuff back to the Heartbreak.

Meat:

But Brit -

Brit:

No. I travel alone. You know that. How can I do the things I have to do, if all I'm thinking about is you?

Meat:

Sometimes I wish you didn't care so much about this stuff. Sometimes I wish we'd never even heard of 'the vibe'.

Brit:

You don't mean that!

Meat:

No, I suppose not. But I miss you so much, baby - it's tougher every
time you go away.

Brit:

I'll be back - I always come back! And one day, I'll bring the Dreamer
with me.

Meat:

Sometimes I think it's us that's dreaming. Perhaps the music really did die.

Brit:

It's only sleeping, babes! It's in a deep, deep sleep. It won't be me
that wakes it - but one day, I'll find the man who can. And if I could
just find it, that lost vibe, then we could share our love with the
whole world! And you know what we get then, don't you babes? We get it all! *

*Adventure seeker on an empty street
Just an alley creeper, light on his feet
A young fighter screaming, with no time for doubt
With the pain and anger I can't see a way out *

*It ain't much I'm asking, I heard him say
Gotta find me a future move out of my way
I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now*

Both:

*I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now*

Meat:

*Listen all you people, come gather round
I'm gonna get me a game plan
Gonna shake you to the ground
But just give me what I know is mine
People do you hear me, just gimme the sign*

*It ain't much I'm asking, if you want the truth
Here's to the future hear the cry of youth*

Both:

*I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now *

*I want it all, I want it all, I want it all*

Meat:

*And I want it now!*

Brit:

*I'm a man with a one track mind
So much to do in one lifetime *

*People do you hear me*

Meat:

*Not a man for compromise *

*And wheres and whys and living lies*

Brit:

*So I'm living it all*

Meat:

*Yes I'm living it all*

Brit:

*And I'm giving it all*

Meat:

*And I'm giving it all*

Both:

*I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now
I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now
I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now
I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it
I want it, I want it, I want it now
I want it all! *

(we hear voices off stage. BRIT and MEAT hide behind the van. GALILEO and SCARAMOUCHE enter from the back of the stage. GALILEO is jumping about enthusiastically, SCARAMOUCHE is just mooching along)

Galileo:

My whole life, I mean all my life, I've always known that I had some
kind of purpose, y'know, some special destiny! That has to mean
something, surely.

Scaramouche:

Oh, it does. That you're a self-important, arrogant arsehole.

Fine - what 'special destiny'?

Galileo:

It has to do with the stuff I dream. The voices - they always come back to the same thing. Well - I see a big, wide space. And people - people everywhere. And noise - huge, huge noise! And then - then come the words.

Scaramouche:

Ooh, what words? (sarcastic)

Galileo:

'Seek out the place of living rock. A bright, bright star will lead the
way. Go to where the champions played!'

Scaramouche:

Sounds like bollocks to me.

Galileo:

Hey! Y'know, I dreamed a name for you too, I think.

Scaramouche:

How could you do that? I mean, you only met me today.

Galileo:

Yes, but I always knew I'd meet you. I always knew there was another rebel rebel out there, another wild thing.

Scaramouche:

Okay - so what do you want to call me?

Galileo:

Scaramouche.

Scaramouche:

Scaramouche? Isn't that bit - sort of - crap?

Galileo:

Well, I did dream some others, but frankly I thought it was the best.

Scaramouche:

What were the others?

Galileo:

Long tall Sally. Honky-tonk woman. Lucy in the sky with diamonds. Or
fat-bottomed girl.

Scaramouche:

Okay, I'll take Scaramouche. Scaramouche! Actually, I quite like it.
Sounds kinda anarchic. It's almost like what I think they used to call a
'tune'.

Galileo:

A tune? Yeah:

Scaramouche, Scaramouche - will you do the fandango?

Scaramouche:

You trying to get in my pants?

Galileo:

No!

Scaramouche:

What's doing the fandango?

Galileo:

I think perhaps it's dancing.

Scaramouche:

You mean like GaGa moves? Excuse me while I puke. Globalsoft write the songs, then work out the steps, and every kid on Planet Mall does
exactly the same thing.

Galileo:

No - I think that there was a time when dancing wasn't like that. When it was more free. You know? Kind of individually expressive.

(GALILEO dances, allegedly)

Scaramouche:

I don't think I've ever seen anything quite so embarassing in my life.

Galileo:

Well, it looks better when I'm holding a tennis racket.

Scaramouche:

It would have to!

Galileo:

Look. Maybe doing the fandango is just about being friends.

Scaramouche:

Friends? Well, I never had a friend.

Galileo:

You amaze me.

Scaramouche:

I always thought I'd quite like one, though.

Galileo:

So, we are friends then?

Scaramouche:

If you want.

Galileo:

Oh, I do, I really do!

Scaramouche:

Okay - so we're friends.

Galileo:

This is so cool!

Scaramouche:

As long as you promise to work on your dancing.

Meat:

Let's get them!

(MEAT and BRIT run out from behind the van. BRIT grabs GALILEO and
shoves him against the side of the van. MEAT tries to grab SCARAMOUCHE but has less success)

Meat:

Quick, bitch! Where'd your boyfriend get those words?

Scaramouche:

What words?

Meat:

He calls you Scaramouche! He's read the fragments, he knows the holy texts!

Galileo:

I don't know any holy texts, I don't know what you're talking about!

Brit:

Long tall Sally! Honky-tonk woman! The words, man, the words from the past!

Meat:

You've seen the fragments - you've been to the Heartbreak Hotel! You're a spy!

Galileo:

No, I said I don't know what you're talking about, I hear these words in my head, that's all!

Brit:

Who are you?

Galileo:

I don't know! Why do people keep asking me that? I am the walrus!This is Major Tom to Ground Control. Can you hear the drums, Fernando? I am the dancing queen!

Brit:

You just hear these holy words, in your head?

Galileo:

Yes! I don't know where they come from! It's driving me mad, all these
phrases and sounds, just stupid, useless phrases:.I mean, what the hell is a tambourine man? What's the story, morning glory? Who WAS the real Slim Shady? It's torture! But all I know, and I don't even know why I know it, is that I really, really, really wanna zig-a-zig-ah.

Brit:

Meat, I think we've found him! This dude's the one! He's the man!

Meat:

I say he's a spy!

Brit:

No! He's the Dreamer! The one we've been waiting for!

Meat:

Then test him! And his chick!

Scaramouche:

His 'chick'? What am I now, poultry?

Meat:

Test him!

Brit:

*Mama, just killed a man
Put a gun against his head
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead *

(BRIT points at GALILEO, who hesitates before continuing)

Galileo:

**

*Mama, life had just begun
But now I've gone and thrown it all away *

Brit:

He knows the text - but he's never read it! He's the man!

Meat:

But what does it mean? Tell us! Who is Mama, who's been killed, why has it all been thrown away?

Galileo:

I don't know!

Meat:

We've been searching for the meaning all our lives!

Galileo:

I said, I don't know, I see these things in my mind, that's all! **

*Mama, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh - *

(MEAT and BRIT grab him to shut him up)

Brit:

You have to come with us.

Meat:

Not her. We don't need her.

Galileo:

Hey, I'm not going anywhere without Scaramouche.

Scaramouche:

Who says I want to go anywhere? These people could be killers!

Brit:

We are, baby! Killers, thrillers, and bizmillahs!

Meat:

We're the resistance - the last hope!

Brit:

We are the bohemians!

Meat:

And now you have a choice. Are you ready to break free?

Brit:

Do you want it all?

Meat:

To be a shooting star, a tiger?

Brit:

Defying the laws of gravity!

Meat:

Are you ready to be champions!

Scaramouche:

Nah, sounds a bit boring if you ask me.

Galileo:

What?

Scaramouche:

I'm joking, Gazza, of course I want to go!

Brit:

Then understand this! If you come with us, if you join the bohemians,
there's no going back to GaGa land. You'll be an outcast, forever, no
longer a member of the consuman race.

Scaramouche:

Sounds perfect. Let's go!

Meat:

*And you're rushing headlong, you've got a new goal
And you're rushing headlong out of control*

Brit:

*And you think you're so strong
But there ain't no stopping and there's nothin'
You can do about it*

Both:

*Woo! There's nothin' you can do
No there's nothin' you can do about it*

Brit:

*No there's nothing you can*

Galileo:

*Nothing you can*

Scaramouche:

*Nothing you can*

Meat:

*Do about it*

All:

*And you're rushing headlong you've got a new goal
And you're rushing headlong out of control
And you think you're so strong
But there ain't no stopping*

Galileo & Scaramouche:

*And there's nothing you can do about it*

Meat:

*He used to be a man with a stick in his hand*

All:

*Oop diddy diddy, oop diddy doo*

Brit:

*She used to be a woman with a hot dog stand*

All:

*Oop diddy diddy, oop diddy doo*

Meat:

*Now you've got soup in the laundry bag*

Brit:

*Now you've got strings, you're gonna lose your rag*

Meat:

*You're gettin' in a fight and it ain't so groovy*

Brit:

*When you're screaming in the night
Let me out of this cheap B-movie*

All:

*Headlong down the highway
And you're rushing headlong out of control
And you think you're so strong
But there ain't no stopping*

Meat:

*And you can't stop rockin'*

All:

*And there's nothin' you can, nothin' you can
Nothin' you can do about it*

Scaramouche:

Where're we going?

Meat:

We're going down!

(the van and the streetlamps disappear. A collage of sweet, fast food
and clothing logos scrolls up and the Heartbreak Hotel forms at the back of the stage as the song continues)

Galileo:

*When a red hot man meets a white hot lady*

All:

*Oop diddy diddy, oop diddy doo*

Scaramouche:

*Soon the fire starts to burn and gets 'em more than half crazy*

All:

*Oop diddy diddy, oop diddy doo*

Galileo:

*Oh, now they start freaking everywhere you turn
You can't start walking 'cos your feet got burned*

Meat:

*It ain't no time to figure wrong from right
Cause reasons out the window, better hold on tight*

All:

*Headlong down the highway
And you're rushing headlong, out of control
And you think you're so strong
But there ain't no stopping and there's*

Brit:

*Nothing*

Meat:

*Nothing*

Galileo:

*Nothing*

Scaramouche:

*Nothing*

All:

*Nothing you can, nothing you can
Nothing you can do about it
Headlong! *

Brit:

Welcome to the Heartbreak Hotel!

(the Heartbreak Hotel turns out to be the old, broken down Tottenham
Court Road tube station. Other BOHEMIANS come on stage)

Big Macca:

Who're these two, Brit?

Brit:

I think I've found him. The one we've been waiting for.

Big Macca:

The Dreamer? Just because he has a leather jacket does not make him the wild one. Looks like a clone from the 'zone to me.

Brit:

He calls himself Galileo.

Big Macca:

Galileo? Then he must have seen the texts! He's a spy!

Meat:

That's what I said!

(BOHEMIANS head towards GALILEO, threateningly)

Brit:

Look, anyone who wants to kill the dude has to come past me!

(the BOHEMIANS are suitably scared, and back off)

He hasn't seen the texts. How could he? We guard them with our lives!

Meat:

He says he dreams the words.

Brit:

He calls the chick Scaramouche.

Scaramouche:

What is this chick business? Do I have feathers? Do I lay eggs?

Big Macca:

Hey! Baby! We believe there was a time, when if a cool dude wished to refer to his red hot momma, he would use the term 'chick'. It was a mark of respect. Second only to 'bitch'.

Scaramouche:

Something tells me you've got that wrong.

Big Macca:

Well, well, we're getting off the point here. The point is that this
dude is a spy.

Galileo:

I don't know what you're talking about! I didn't ask to be brought here! I don't know who you people are, or anything about your stupid texts!

Brit:

Look, he just knows the stuff! It's in his head!

Galileo:

What are these texts, anyway?

Big Macca:

Just fragments, nothing more. Stuff that we, and other bohemians across the Global Shopping Precinct have found.

Aretha (?):

Yeah, tons of stuff. Magazines -

Scaramouche:

What? Mag-a-zines?

Big Macca:

They were like websites, but made of paper. You could touch them. And posters, which were weird, static commercials, stuck to walls. We take our names from these clues to the age of rock.

Aretha:

I'm Aretha.

Big Macca:

And I am Paul McCartney. They call me Big Macca.

Meat:

I'm Meat. Meatloaf.

Madonna:

I'm Madonna.

Prince:

They call me Prince.

Cliff:

I'm Cliff Richard.

Jackson 5:

Jackson Five.

Bob:

And I'm Bob. Bob the poet; Bob the rebel; Bob the prophet - I am Bob the Builder.

Galileo:

And who are you? (to BRIT)

Brit:

Me? I'm the biggest, baddest, meanest, nastiest, ugliest, most raging,
rapping, rock'n'roll, sick, punk, heavy metal psycho bastard that ever
got get-down funky. They call me - Britney Spears.

Galileo:

And what is this place, this Heartbreak Hotel?

Big Macca:

It's a rebel base! The last free-thinking zone on Planet Mall!

Scaramouche:

But how'd you get all this great stuff?

Meat:

We find it! We're scavengers. There's tons of it if you know where to
look. Here, help yourself if you like. (indicating a shopping cart full
of clothes)

Scaramouche:

Like? I used to dream about getting my hands on gear like this!

Meat:

Well, get some on you! You're a bohemian now!

Scaramouche:

Ooh, what do you think about a red corset?

Meat:

Oh, that is so you -

Big Macca:

Girls, please! I am talking to the man!

Meat:

Makes a change from talking out of your bum. (to SCARAMOUCHE) Go on, hen, there's loads back there.

(SCARAMOUCHE exits)

Big Macca:

As I was saying. This is a rebel base. But it is also a shrine. A shrine
to everything we believe in. And, a place to remember the long dead king.

Galileo:

What king?

Big Macca:

Little is known about him, except that his name was Pelvis. A kid from
nowhere, who sang like an angel, and danced like the devil. A teenage
truck driver who broke free to become a mighty rebel - a rebel that
spawned a thousand rebels!

Prince:

But he was too wild, too free. And when he wiggled his hips he made the kids feel good about themselves! So they took him and they cut off his hair.

Big Macca:

They shaved off his cool, greasy, standup quiff, like he was a convict:

Prince:

and they put him in the army.

Aretha:

Then they humiliated him. The king was forced to make foolish movies,
singing nursery rhymes to gangs of grinning children. He was ashamed. It broke his spirit. He took refuge in drugs, pills and fast food.

Big Macca:

Just like a million kids that followed. The king was dead, and many
kings and heroes died thereafter. Their songs are lost, but their names
live on. We remember the ones that died young. Buddy Holly. Jimi Hendrix.

Aretha:

Kurt Cobain.

Bob:

Janis Joplin.

Prince:

Jim Morrisson.

Big Macca:

Bob Marley. John Lennon.

Meat:

Freddy:

*A hand above the water
An angel reaching for the sky
Is it raining in Heaven
Do you want us to cry

And everywhere the broken-hearted
On every lonely avenue
No one could reach them
No one but you

One by one
Only the good die young
They're only flying to close to the sun
Life goes on
Without you

Another tricky situation
I get to drowning in the blues
And I find myself thinking
What would you do?

Yes, it was such an operation
Forever paying every due
Hell, you made a sensation (sensation!)
You found a way through (found a way through)*

All:

*And one by one
Only the good die young
They're only flying too close to the sun*

Meat:

*We'll remember, forever

And now the party must be over
I guess we'll never understand
The sense of your leaving
Was it the way it was planned?

And so we grace another table
And raise our glasses one more time
There's a face at the window
And I ain't never, never saying goodbye *

All:

*One by one
Only the good die young
They're only flying too close to the sun*

Meat:

*Crying for nothing
Crying for no one
No one but you *

Galileo:

So - you mean all those heroes died for rock'n'roll? But what is
rock'n'roll?

Brit:

Gazza, baby! Rock'n'roll is anything you want it to be!

Cliff:

It's sex!

Prince:

It's style!

Brit:

It's rebellion!

Big Macca:

It's freedom!

Galileo:

Yes, but - what actually is it?

Big Macca:

We don't know.

(enter SCARAMOUCHE, newly attired)

Scaramouche:

Ta da!

Meat:

Hey, this girl has taste!

Scaramouche:

What do you mean? It's all your stuff!

Meat:

Yeah, but it's all about the combinations! Isn't that right, Prince?

Prince:

Right! Exactly!

Big Macca:

People, please! I'm talking to the man!

Brit:

You tell 'em, Big Macca!

Big Macca:

All we know is that there came a day when rock'n'roll - died. But, we
all believe that in time, there will come a man who carries the past
within him. Someone who can remember. Somewhere on Planet Mall there are instruments, there must be. If Britney is right, you are the man who can find them.

Galileo:

But I don't even know what they look like!

Brit:

I do!

(BRIT goes off stage and returns with an instrument made out of a tea
chest, a pole and some wire)

I've been working on this for months! Can't play it though.

(another bohemian takes it and plucks a few notes)

Sweet, sweet noise! And when you get that vibe, all you need is your
baby! You see, Galileo, what passes for music these days is only created for money, which is why it has no soul. But when rock'n'roll started, do you know why they did it?

Galileo:

No, why?

Brit:

They did it for their babies, of course! They did it for a crazy little
thing called love! Oh yeah! **

*This thing called love I just can't handle it*

Meat:

*This thing called love I must get round to it*

Brit:

*I ain't ready*

Both:

*Crazy little thing called love *

Meat:

*This thing (this thing)
Called love (called love)
It cries (like a baby)
In a cradle all night*

Brit:

*It swings (woo woo)
It jives (woo woo)
It shakes all over like a jelly fish*

Both:

*I kinda like it
Crazy little thing called love *

Brit:

*There goes my baby
She knows how to rock 'n' roll
She drives me crazy
She gives me hot and cold fever
She leaves me in a cool cool sweat *

*Oh yeah *

*I gotta be cool, relax, get hip
And get on my tracks
Take a back seat, hitchhike
Take a long ride on my motorbike
Until I'm ready
Crazy little thing called love *

Galileo:

*I gotta be cool, relax, get hip
And get on my tracks*

Scaramouche:

*Take a back seat*

Galileo:

*Hitchhike*

Scaramouche:

*And take a long ride on my motorbike*

All:

*Until I'm ready
Crazy little thing called love *

*This thing called love I just can't handle it
This thing called love I must get round to it
I ain't ready *

*Crazy little thing called love
Crazy little thing called love
Crazy little thing called love
Crazy little thing called love
Crazy little thing called love
Crazy little thing called love
Crazy little thing called love
Crazy little thing called love *

*Oh yeah! *

(sirens sound. KHASHOGGI and several COPS appear in and around the
Heartbreak)

Khashoggi:

Oh yeah indeed. So finally I'm checking into the Heartbreak Hotel. So,
Mr McCartney, I say hello, and you say goodbye:

Brit:

No! You'll never take the Dreamer while I'm alive!

(Fight, to the intro of 'Ogre Battle'. The COPs herd the BOHEMIANS off, and fight BRIT, who collapses to the floor. Lights out, safety curtain down, house lights up for the interval)

*Act 2 *

(the curtain rises on two rows of CONSUMERS, one on a tier above theother, in front of the video screens)

Consumers:

*One plan, one goal
One mission
No heart, no soul
Just one solution
One flash of light
Yeah, one God, one vision
One flesh, one bone
One true religion
One voice, one hope
One real decision
Wowowowowowo
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah *

Galileo (v/o):

*I had a dream when I was young*

Scaramouche (v/o):

*A dream of sweet illusion*

Galileo (v/o):

*A glimpse of hope and unity*

Scaramouche (v/o):

*And visions of one sweet union*

Bohemians (v/o):

*But a cold wind blows
And a dark rain falls
And in my heart it shows
Look what they've done to my dreams *

Consumers:

*One vision
Give us your hand, give us your heart
Ready? There's only one direction
One world, one nation
One television*

*No hate, no fight
Just excitation
All through the night
It's a celebration
Wowowowowowo yeah
One one one one one one one*

*All we hear is radio Ga Ga
Video Goo Goo
Internet Ga Ga
All we hear is cyberspace Ga Ga
Internet Ga Ga
Marketing blah-blah
Oh, oh!*

*One flesh, one bone
One true religion
One voice, one hope
One real decision*

*Give us one light, yeah
Give us one hope, hey
Just give us
One plan, one scam
One star, one night, one day, hey hey
Just gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme
Fried chicken
(vision, vision, vision, vision, vision)*

(the video screens disappear and the van is back, plus a backdrop of
graffiti'd concrete. GALILEO and SCARAMOUCHE climb up through a trapdoor stage left)

Galileo:

How did Khashoggi find the Heartbreak Hotel?

Scaramouche:

He must have some way of tracking us!

Galileo:

The hospital! When they operated on our heads!

(he peers at SCARAMOUCHE's hair)

I think I've found something!

(SCARAMOUCHE produces a penknife and hands it to him)

Scaramouche:

Cut it out!

Galileo:

What?

Scaramouche:

Gazza, if there are bugs in our heads, then the police will track us
down in hours! Cut it out.

(he does)

Galileo:

He's had us from the start! He's heard everything!

(SCARAMOUCHE takes the bug from him and talks into it)

Scaramouche:

Hello! Pervert! It's a short sentence, the second word is 'off'.

Galileo:

All right, now me.

(she does so and peers at both the bugs)

OK, crush them.

Scaramouche:

What, a couple of state-of-the-art micro-transceivers? No way, I'll just activate the maximum negativity spectrum.

Galileo:

What?

Scaramouche:

I'll turn them off.

(they sit on the edge of the mattress that is, conveniently, inside the
van)

Galileo:

It's over, Scaramouche. Do you realise that? The bohemians are finished. The Heartbreak Hotel is destroyed. Only we escaped.

Scaramouche:

Britney Spears died to save us. To save you.

Galileo:

And he will not die in vain! It's up to us, now. We're part of the
underworld, Scaramouche. You, and me. Cast adrift. There's no turning back now. Not ever.

Scaramouche:

I never belonged anyway. Did you notice - you've lost your stutter?

Galileo:

Well, I feel different.

Scaramouche:

We're both different. For the first time in my life, I don't hate myself.

Galileo:

And I don't want to die. I've found something to live for.

Scaramouche:

The dream?

Galileo:

No, you!

But we will be caught in the end. You know that, don't you?

Scaramouche:

Yeah. I know. And probably killed.

Galileo:

I love you, Scaramouche.

Scaramouche:

I love you too, Gaz.

Galileo:

Do you think, just this once, you could use my full name?

Scaramouche:

I love you too, Gazza Fizza

Galileo:

Then if I have your love, time doesn't matter much at all, does it?

Scaramouche:

*There's no time for us
There's no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams
Yet slips away from us *

*Who wants to live forever*

Both:

*Who wants to live forever*

Galileo:

*There's no chance for us
It's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us *

*Who wants to live forever*

Both:

*Who wants to live forever
Who dares to love forever*

Galileo:

*Oh, when love must die! *

Scaramouche:

*But touch my tears with your lips*

Galileo:

*Touch my world with your fingertips*

Both:

*And we can have forever
And we can love forever*

Galileo:

*Forever is ours today *

Both:

*Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever*

Scaramouche:

*Forever is ours*

Galileo:

*Who waits forever, anyway? *

(they kiss and disappear inside the van. Fade to black, then lights up
to reveal six BOHEMIANS (including MEAT and PRINCE), seated, each with a MINION to their right. KHASHOGGI is suspended in, well, a ship)

Khashoggi:

What do you know of the phrase 'living rock'? Where is the place of
champions?

Bohemian 1:

They're freedom words, pig! Words the Dreamer used! We don't know what they mean!

Minion 1:

He tells the truth, Commander Khashoggi. I've applied a search program to one of his brain functions and I find no evidence of deceit.

Khashoggi:

Pity! Hurt him anyway!

(the BOHEMIAN jerks backward)

Bohemians:

*Flash! Aah!*

Khashoggi:

And I would rather you did not call me 'pig'.

Bohemian 2:

Pig's too good for you!

Khashoggi:

Hurt her, too!

Bohemians:

*Flash! Aah!*

Khashoggi:

In fact - hurt them all!

Bohemians:

*Flash! Aah! *

Khashoggi:

For what it's worth, your 'Dreamer' knows no more about the place of
living rock than you or I. He's just a poor idiot, parroting phrases he
does not understand. Still, he lead me to you, and for that I am grateful.

Prince:

Are you going to kill us?

Khashoggi:

Please, Mr Prince! Globalsoft is not some medieval inquisition! We're
merely going to kill your souls - and empty your brains of such absurd
notions as real music and individual thought.

Bohemian 1:

You're sending us to the Seven Seas of Rhye!

Khashoggi:

Precisely. Prepare the helmets.

(each MINION places an orange helmet on a BOHEMIAN's head)

Meat:

Dreamer! Follow us! Bohemians, give him your power! Make your last
thoughts the Dream!

Khashoggi:

Good night, Miss Loaf.

Bohemians:

Noooooo!

Khashoggi:

*Fear me you lords and lady preachers
I descend upon your Earth from the skies
I command your very souls you unbelievers
Bring before me what is mine
The seven seas of Rhye *

*Can you hear me you peers and privy councillors
I stand before you naked to the eyes
I will destroy any man who dares abuse my trust
I swear that you'll be mine
The seven seas of Rhye*

*Sister - I live and lie for you
Mister - do and I'll die
You are mine I possess you
I belong to you forever-ever-ever-aah *

(KHASHOGGI leaves his ship and dances past the row of BOHEMIANS. One by one, their minds are emptied)

*Storm the master-marathon I'll fly through
By flash and thunder-fire and
I'll survive - I'll survive - I'll survive
Then I'll defy the laws of nature and come out alive
Then I'll get you
Be gone with you - you shod and shady senators
Give out the good, leave out the bad evil cries
I challenge the mighty Titan and his troubadours
And with a smile
I'll take you to the seven seas of Rhye *

Bohemians:

*Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside
Oh, I do like to be beside the sea
There are lots of girls beside, oh I do like to be beside
Beside the seaside, beside the sea *

(fade to black, then lights up to show the van again. It is the next
morning)

Galileo:

Meatloaf - no - Prince - argh! The Seven Seas of Rhye!

(he throws back the curtain and sits up. SCARAMOUCHE wakes and sits up beside him)

Scaramouche:

Well, good morning Gazza! Or perhaps I should use your full name -
Shagileo Gigolo.

Galileo:

I had this dream! And it was - (pause)

Shagileo Gigolo? You - really think so?

Scaramouche:

Oh, yeah.

(she kisses him but he pulls away)

Galileo:

No! We don't have time! I have to go to the Seven Seas of Rhye! I had a dream about Big Macca and the others. I dreamt that there were these cops, and cages made of lasers, and -

Scaramouche:

Gazza, there is nothing, and I mean nothing, more boring than people
wanting to describe their dreams to you.

Galileo:

No, but really -

Scaramouche:

No, trust me on this. It kills relationships stone dead. The morning one
partner wakes up and says 'it was amazing, there was a rabbit, in a
bowler hat, cooking an omelette' - that is when love dies.

Galileo:

But, Scaramouche, I'm sure of it! The bohemians are headed across the Seven Seas of Rhye!

Scaramouche:

I know!

Galileo:

I think it's somewhere in the Europrecinct of Planet Mall. And there was water. Lots of water! And - what?

Scaramouche:

I know about the Seven Seas of Rhye. They're not seas at all, no,
they're rivers. Rivers that supply a lake. They used to call it Lake
Geneva. The spirit of rock is very strong there. It's where they put all
the misfits, the rebels.

Galileo:

But, this is incredible, Scaramouche! We had the same dream! It's like
we're soulmates - split-aparts - kindred spirits!

Scaramouche:

No, Gaz, I didn't have any dream. I just reversed the polarity on these
micro-transceivers. I've been monitoring police headquarters.

Galileo:

Gee. You really know how to make a guy feel inadequate.

Scaramouche:

Bless. You could always let me make it up to you.

Galileo:

No! I have to go the Seven Seas of Rhye!

Scaramouche:

But it's pretty dangerous! I mean, the police are bound to still be
looking for us. I say we should hide out here, on this mattress, for two
or three days -

Galileo:

No, Scaramouche! I still haven't found what I'm looking for! I want the
world and I want it now! You can't stop until you get enough!
Billie-Jean is not my lover. She's just a girl that claims that I am the
one. The kid is not my son.

Scaramouche:

What?

Galileo:

Nothing. I don't know where that last bit came from. I'm going, but I
will be back for you.

Scaramouche:

Hang on, what do you mean? There'll be police all over the place. I
should go, not you.

Galileo:

Forget it, Scaramouche. This is my fight.

Scaramouche:

How'd you work that out?

Galileo:

Because I'm 'the man'. Britney Spears said so!

Scaramouche:

Exactly! Which is why it's stupid of you to risk your life! I'm
dispensable. You should stay here.

Galileo:

Oh, right. Like I'm going to let my chick fight my battles for me.

Scaramouche:

Let your chick?! Excuse me, but at what point in this relationship did
you take the arsehole pill!

Galileo:

That's it, Scaramouche! Must everything always be a fight with you? I
thought you'd mellowed out!

Scaramouche:

Well, I haven't!

Galileo:

Well, it's really starting to irritate me!

Scaramouche:

Oh no. My heart just broke.

Galileo:

Look, you're my girlfriend! I want to protect you!

Scaramouche:

No, you think just because you got your leg over that you own me, or
something!

Galileo:

You are such a pain with this constant female assertion thing!

Scaramouche:

Fine! Well, at least we know now where we stand!

Galileo:

Yes, we do!

Scaramouche:

Which is not together!

Galileo:

Well - if you say so!

Scaramouche:

Right! From now on, our relationship is purely professional. We've got a
job to do, and we'll do it, and that's all.

Galileo:

Well, suits me! But I'm going to the Seven Seas!

(he climbs through the trapdoor stage left and slams it after him.
SCARAMOUCHE climbs halfway into the trapdoor stage right and shouts after him)

Scaramouche:

Well, so am I! And if, when we get there, you get caught, and the Dream is lost, and the kids are enslaved till the end of time - well, you're going to feel a bit bloody stupid, that's all!

(she leaves, slamming the trapdoor after her. The scene changes to
KILLER QUEEN's living room)

Recording:

*Are you gonna take me home tonight
Ah, down beside that red firelight
Are you gonna let it all hang out
Fat-bottomed girls, you make the rocking world go round *

(enter the KILLER QUEEN and KHASHOGGI)

Khashoggi:

Ma'am, I bring splendid news! My officers have been successful in
breaking up the bohemian stronghold! The Heartbreak Hotel is destroyed!

Killer Queen:

But Khashoggi - this is wonderful! Incredible! A triumph! The resistance is vanquished! We've won!

Khashoggi:

Yes, ma'am. Unfortunately -

Killer Queen:

*Tonight! I'm gonna have myself a real good time
I feel alive
And the world is turning inside out
Floating around in ecstasy*

Khashoggi:

Ma'am, if I might just interrupt -

Killer Queen:

*Don't stop me now! *

Khashoggi:

Ma'am, I hate to do it, but -

Killer Queen:

*Don't stop me, 'cause I'm having a good time
Having a good time
I'm a shooting star leaping through the sky
Like a tiger, defying the laws of gravity - *

Khashoggi:

Maaaaaaaa'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!!

(KILLER QUEEN stops singing and gives KHASHOGGI a filthy look)

I'm afraid you didn't let me finish. We broke up the bohemian
stronghold, but I fear the Dreamer - and his bad-arsed babe - slipped
our clutches. But I don't foresee this as a problem -

Killer Queen:

You lost them?

Khashoggi:

Lost them only in the sense of, don't know where they are.

Killer Queen:

You fool! You imbecile! You talentless, flat-footed PC Plod! Those two
pathetic losers are making idiots of us!

Khashoggi:

They are individuals, ma'am! The most dangerous enemy of all! I'd rather face a massed army of nuclear-powered cyber-cops that one crazy kid witha dream.

Killer Queen:

Don't be ridiculous.

Khashoggi:

All right, perhaps I was pitching it a bit strong. But the point is,
we're currently stretched to the limit! The summer heat is intense.
We're encountering serious civil disorder. The rivers and seas that rose
with global warming are receding again as the planet dehydrates.

Killer Queen:

Who cares? I like hot weather.

Khashoggi:

We're having to drain the lakes simply to supply the coke dispensers in
the multiplexes.

Killer Queen:

That's absurd.

Khashoggi:

Well, have you seen the size of the cups these days? They've been
getting bigger for three hundred years. 'Regular' is now the size of a
dustbin. Only last week a small child fell into her Sprite and drowned.

Killer Queen:

I am sick of excuses, Commander Khashoggi. And I am also sick of you. With your weary, sneery, posey, schmosey, look at me, I'm wearing sunglasses in doors crap! Oiling round the place with your snooty little booty in your Armani suity.

Khashoggi:

Actually, ma'am, it's M&S. They've really rather raised their game
recently, don't you think?

Killer Queen:

Need I remind you, that as well as being businesswoman of the year, I am also dynamite with a laser beam!

Khashoggi:

Oh, nobody admires you more than I do ma'am, your gentle manner, your quiet, unassuming sense of style, your kind and forgiving nature -

Killer Queen:

You know what happens to people who dissapoint me! I think Ill have to blow your mind!

(enter chorus of YES THINGS)

*Hey! *

*She walks warily down the street
With her brim pulled way down low
Ain't no sound but the sound of her feet
Machine guns ready to go*

*Are you ready, are you ready for this
Are you hanging on the edge of your seat
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
To the sound of the beat *

*Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone and another one gone
Another one bites the dust, eh
Hey, I'm gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust *

*How do you think I'm going to get along
Without you when you're gone
I took you for everything that you've got
And kicked you out on your own *

*Are you happy ? Are you satisfied ?
How long can you stand the heat
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
To the sound of the beat *

*Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone and another one gone
Another one bites the dust
Hey, I'm gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust*

*Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust, hey hey
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust *

*There are plenty of ways that you can hurt a man
And bring him to the ground
You can beat him
You can cheat him
You can treat him bad and leave him
When he's down, yeah
But I'm ready, yes I'm ready for you
I'm standing on my own two feet
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
Repeating to the sound of the beat*

*Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone and another one gone
Yes, another one bites the dust
Hey, I'm gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust *

*Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust, hey hey
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
Yeah, yeah, yeah! *

(two MINIONS enter, put an orange helmet on KHASHOGGI's head, and
descend with him into the stage. Lights out then up again on a clear
stage with the graffiti'd concrete backdrop. GALILEO walks on from up
stage left, followed by SCARAMOUCHE)

Scaramouche:

Oi! OI! Slow down, will you!

Galileo:

No! You keep up!

Scaramouche:

I've got shorter legs than you.

Galileo:

Don't worry, your mouth makes up for it.

Scaramouche:

Well, you didn't have any objections to it last night!

Galileo:

That was below the belt.

Scaramouche:

Which seems to be all you think women are any good for!

Galileo:

Hey! This isn't some feminist achievement course we're on, here! It's a
battle as big as the planet!

Scaramouche:

No, it's as big as your ego, more like.

Galileo:

Me? Egotistical? Let me just get a few things straight, all right? You
are a girl. You're slower than me, weaker than me -

Scaramouche:

Cleverer than you -

Galileo:

What? Just because you reversed the polarity on a couple of
micro-transceivers -

Scaramouche:

Yeah?

Galileo:

Well, my intelligence is more abstract. I have the mind of an artist.

Scaramouche:

A piss artist, more like.

Galileo:

A rock artist! And I've got a world to save, so if you hold me up -

Scaramouche:

Hold you up! Listen, mate! We're in this together! And despite the fact
that you are a self-righteous, arrogant little prick - I'm staying.

Galileo:

Well, suit yourself.

Scaramouche:

Don't worry. I will.

Galileo:

Yeah.

Scaramouche:

Yeah.

Galileo:

What?

Scaramouche:

What?

Galileo:

Hey!

Scaramouche:

Hey!

Galileo:

Yeah!

*Here we stand or here we fall
History won't care at all
Wake the dead, fight the fight
Lady Mercy won't be home tonight*

Both:

*You don't waste no time at all*

Galileo:

*Don't hear the bell but you answer the call*

Both:

*It comes to you as to us all*

Scaramouche:

*You're just waiting for the hammer to fall *

*Hey!*

Galileo:

*Hey!*

Scaramouche:

*Yeah!*

Galileo:

*Yeah, the hammer to fall! *

Scaramouche:

*Every night, and every day
A little piece of you is falling away
But lift your face, the western way, babe
Build your muscles as your body decays*

Both:

*Toe your line and play their game*

Scaramouche:

*Let the anaesthetic cover it all*

Both:

*Till one day they call your name*

Galileo:

*You know it's time for the hammer to fall
Hey! The hammer to fall! *

Scaramouche:

*Rich or poor or famous
For your truth it's all the same
Lock your door but rain is pouring
Through your windowpane
Baby now your struggle's all in vain *

Both:

*What the hell we fighting for?*

Galileo:

*Just surrender and it won't hurt at all*

Both:

*You just got time to say your prayers
While you're waiting for the hammer to, hammer to fall
The hammer to fall
Hey? Yeah?
The hammer to, hammer to, hammer to fall *

Galileo:

*Give it to me one more time!*

Scaramouche:

In. Your. Dreams. Mate.

(She stalks off. GALILEO follows her. POP climbs up through a trapdoor
centre stage, carrying a beer crate)

Pop:

*Sometimes I get to thinking
I was back in the old days, long ago
When we were kids, when we were young
Things seemed so perfect then - you know?
The days were endless
We were crazy, we were young
The sun was always shining
We just lived for fun
Sometimes it seems like lately - I just don't know
The rest of my life's been just a show *

(the backdrop goes up and reveal a barroom scene. The back of the stage and part of the bar are covered in white drapes. The BOHEMIANS sit slumped at tables. POP puts the crate on the bar and walks around room, replacing drinks and wiping the tables)

Pop & Bohemians:

*Those were the days of our lives
The bad things in life were so few
Those days are all gone now but one thing remains*

Pop:

*When I look and I find no change *

*You can't turn back the clock, you can't turn back the tide
Ain't that a shame?
I'd like to go back one time on a roller coaster ride
When life was just a game
No use in sitting and thinkin' on what you did
You can lay back and enjoy it through the kids
Sometimes it seems like lately - I just don't know
Better sit back and go with the flow*

Pop & Bohemians:

*These are the days of our lives
They've flown in the swiftness of time
These days are all gone now but one thing remains*

Pop:

*When I look and I find
Hope still survives
Oh yeah *

(GALILEO and SCARAMOUCHE enter, stage right)

Galileo:

Meatloaf! Guys, you're all here! Oh, it's so good to see you!

Scaramouche:

How did you escape?

Galileo:

This is fantastic! The bohemians are back! The fight is on!

(the BOHEMIANS look at GALILEO and SCARAMOUCHE blankly)

Big Macca:

Do I know you, kid?

Galileo:

But - it's me, Big Macca. You know. The man. The Dreamer. Galileo Figaro.

Big Macca:

Nah, never heard of him. Buy us a drink.

Galileo:

What?

Meat:

Come on, you heard the man, buy us a soddin' drink!

Galileo:

Meatloaf?

Pop:

Your friends aren't there, dude. Their bodies are, but their spirits
have gone. They've been processed.

Galileo:

What do you mean?

Pop:

This is where they all come - the guys and chicks who tried to break onthrough to the other side, and failed. They come to drown themselves in the Seven Seas of Rhye. Rhye whisky, man. The last comfort of those whohave rocked.

Scaramouche:

So - why do they come here?

Pop:

You mean apart from in order to get permanently pissed?

Scaramouche:

Yes.

Pop:

There is something about this place. It's as if there's a spirit here.
Long ago, before global warming, the lake was much smaller. Who knows, perhaps there's something down there, beneath the water. Something these washed-out mothers need to be close to.

Scaramouche:

So who are you?

Pop:

I was a librarian, astral babe. In the place where they keep the secret
histories. I got a little too interested in the stuff I was reading.

Scaramouche:

Did they process you?

Pop:

They tried to, but I guess I knew too much. They couldn't zap it all. I
may be pretty screwed up, but I'm still the most together guy here at
the Seven Seas. That's why I'm the barman.

Scaramouche:

So you remember something of what you read? Of the secret histories?

Pop:

I remember one story. A legend so strong and powerful they could not
wipe it from my brain. Would you like to here it.

Scaramouche:

Nah, I thought we'd just have a drink and bugger off. Of course we want to hear it, you hairy old git!

Pop:

Whoa! That is one gutsy chick, man! I bet she takes some handling!

Galileo:

Well actually, she's not my chick.

Pop:

Lucky you, I reckon.

Galileo:

Perhaps you could tell us your story, Mr - er:

Pop:

Pop. They call me Pop.

Galileo:

We'd love to hear it.

Pop:

Well.

(he gestures the two towards him, and they all sit on the bar stools)

It seems that long ago, in the first decade of the twenty-first century, there were those who foresaw the nightmare that was to come. This was at the very beginning of music homogenisation. A time of boy bands. And girl bands. And boy and girl bands. And girl bands with a couple of boys in them that looked like girls. And boys who had left their boy bands to become just boys. And girls who were still in their girl bands but were nonetheless doing stuff as solo girls, sometimes in duets with solo boys. And also -

Scaramouche:

All right, get on with it!

Pop:

They called themselves bands, but they weren't bands. They were just pretty pretty dancers with multi-track voices.

Galileo:

It's been that way ever since.

Pop:

Exactly! A three hundred year bum vibe! But you see, some people saw what was coming. Take a look at this. It's a scroll of what I think they used to call 'celluloid'.

(he presses a lever and a video screen descends)

I stole this on the day I was captured, and through ten long years in a
laser cell I've kept it hidden. Don't ask me where. It's only a
fragment, but it's all that's left to us of a much longer, and seriously
heavy message that was laid down for us in antiquity.

(he presses a button and the start of the video to 'Bohemian Rhapsody' appears on the screen, very grainy)

Recording:

*Is this the real life
Is this just fantasy
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality
Open your eyes
Look up the skies, and see -*

(the video ends)

Pop:

That's all there is. Those four young men, singing to us from three
centuries ago, were members of a rock freedom fighter collective known as 'Queen'. Even then, those young soul visionaries knew that real life was fast becoming someone else's fantasy. Look -

(he cues the video again)

Recording:

*Is this the real life
Is this just fantasy *

(and pauses it)

Galileo:

A fantasy - created by the computers of the global economy!

Pop:

Exactly!

Recording:

*Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality *

Pop:

They foresaw a time when the kids would be caught in a landslide of
computer generated marketing, and there would be no escape from that reality. All Queen wanted was for us all to:

Recording:

*Open your eyes
Look up the skies, and see - *

Scaramouche:

So that's what it meant. Blimey. Sounded like a pretentious load of old
bollocks to me.

Pop:

No way, crazy lady! These are the words of truth! If only we knew the
rest of the text.

Galileo:

I think I may know some of it! Tell me, old wise one. What does
'Bismillah, we will not let you go, let me go, no, no, no, no, no, mamma
mia, mammia mia, mamma mia, let me go, Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me' mean?

Pop:

Actually, I think that bit probably was a pretentious load of old bollocks.

But. Having issued their warning - and incidentally spent nine weeks at
number one with it, despite what were quite frankly some rather dodgy stage outfits - Queen decided to fight back.

(POP grabs a chair, takes it to centre stage and sits on it. CLIFF, who
had been sitting on the chair, slowly falls over)

You all right there, Cliff?

(CLIFF, lying on the floor, gives a thumbs up)

Don't worry about Cliff Richard, he's indestructible.

(SCARAMOUCHE and GALILEO sit on the floor in front of POP)

In order to protect the future of rock'n'roll, Queen decided to bury
their finest instruments against a time when there would be none.

Galileo:

Wait. You mean real instruments still exist - somewhere waiting to be found?

Pop:

Yes. And they remain hidden. Queen wove deep and terrible spells to
protect the precious weapons of freedom, from abuse by those not worthy of playing them. Even at the beginning of the dark age of globalisation, Queen knew that when the time was right a hero would be found and the instruments would reappear. Perhaps you are that man, man.

Scaramouche:

But what happened to Queen?

Pop:

The first of their number died young. Too wild, too beautiful for this
world. The other three rocked on into the next century, but during
Globalsoft's first battles for the soul of the planet, all three were
captured and secretly killed. It is said that the hairiest of the gang -
a man named Bri-Anne - was granted a final wish before execution. He
asked to be able to play one last guitar solo, and was therefore able to postpone his death by three and a half days.

Where are the instruments, Galileo Figaro?

Galileo:

Me? How would I know, 'man'? A couple of weeks ago I was virtually a
Virtual Highschool dropout. Why would the rock gods tell me the answer?

(there is the sound of heavy machinery)

Scaramouche:

What's going on?

Pop:

Don't freak out, sweet lady, they're just draining the lake. They steal
our water all the time now. It's almost down to its original level.

Galileo:

Hey - hey, look! What's that, emerging from the water? A man!

Scaramouche:

A statue.

Galileo:

A hero - made of bronze and rock.

Scaramouche:

Who is it? Who does it represent?

Pop:

I know this man! I saw many images in the secret histories! He is one of the freedom fighters of Queen, the first to die! The greatest, brightest star of his time!

Scaramouche:

Star:.bright star! Gazza! Your dream! A bright star, that will show the
way! It's not a star in the sky at all - it's a rock star!

Pop:

Freaky.

Galileo:

But what's it showing us?

Scaramouche:

The way! It must be! The way to the place of living rock. Living rock
isn't granite at all - it's music.

Galileo:

But Queen buried the instruments there. How can they be buried in music?

Pop:

No, man, the place of living rock. Live rock'n'roll music! It's pointing
towards it, dude! The star is facing north! Well, north and a little bit
west, actually. The place he once ruled - the place where people came together to play together and be together!

Galileo:

The place where the champions played!

Pop:

The place of champions! The old arena, I'm sure of it. The machines may have destroyed the stands and towers but they could never destroy the vibe of what they once called - Wembley Stadium.

Scaramouche:

We must go, quickly! Well, now the stars shown us the way, it can guide the police there too. There's no time to lose.

Pop:

I'll come with you, I can show you how to get there.

Galileo:

But we need transport. I mean, we need wheels.

Bohemians:

*Bicycle! Bicycle! Bicycle! *

Scaramouche:

Bugger that! We're going to save rock'n'roll, we can't turn up on a bike!

Pop:

Very eco.

Scaramouche:

But it's not very cool.

Pop:

You're right, crazy lady. We'll take my Harley.

(black tabs and a video screen come down behind them as a motorbike rises through the floor)

Rock's transport of choice. Not as fast, clean or efficient as a
Japanese bike, but it sounds humungous.

(he starts it and climbs on. To SCARAMOUCHE)

Get on behind me, baby.

(she does so)

Nice. It's been years since I've felt the soft warm thighs of a rebel
chick wrapped round my skinny white arse.

(apalled, SCARAMOUCHE jumps off the bike)

Scaramouche:

Forget it. I'll go in front.

(she climbs back on, in front of him this time)

Pop:

All right, but don't blame me if I push the bone.

(SCARAMOUCHE leaps away from him, right to the front of the seat)

Scaramouche:

I think I'm going to puke! Gazza, you get on behind me. And don't get
any fresh ideas.

Galileo:

It is time. Time to avenge the mighty Queen. Time to avenge them all!

Scaramouche:

The word rhymes with 'banker'.

Pop:

Get on your bikes and ride!

(GALILEO climbs on between POP and SCARAMOUCHE. The bike takes off (apparently) and flies to its destination. On the screen behind them we see the path of their journey - across the sea, past the remains of Stonehenge, overtaking Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, past the Millenium Dome with the Globalsoft logo on it, and finally to the gates of Wembley Stadium)

Galileo:

Rock'n'roll!

Pop:

Find me a bat! I want to bite its head off!

All:

*And you're rushing headlong*

Galileo:

*Down the highway*

All:

*And you're rushing headlong*

Scaramouche:

*Out of control*

All:

*And you think you're so strong*

Pop:

*But there ain't no stopping*

All:

*And there's nothing you can
Nothing you can
Nothing you can
Nothing you can
Nothing you can
Nothing you can
Nothing you can do about it
Headlong! *

(at the gates they get off the motorbike, which sinks back into the
stage)

Galileo:

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Pop:

Bummer.

Galileo:

There aren't any instruments here! There isn't even any rock.

Pop:

Just rubble.

Galileo:

This place must have been destroyed centuries ago. It's no place of
champions any more, if it ever was. I've failed, Scaramouche. I'll never
find where the holy axe was hidden. I'll never play the lost riffs. My
dreams - they never came true.

Scaramouche:

Don't blame yourself, Gazza. It's not your fault.

Galileo:

Thanks, Scaramouche.

Scaramouche:

I mean it's not your fault you're a spineless, gutless, whinging little
crybaby!

Galileo:

Excuse me?

Scaramouche:

I know why you can't find the guitar, mate! What was it Pop said? Queen wove deep and terrible spells to protect the instruments from those not worthy of playing them!

Galileo:

You mean me?

Pop:

Ouch.

Scaramouche:

What do you think the mighty Queen died for? What? So you could act like a pathetic little coward? You wanted to be a rock star? They wouldn't let you in a boy band!

Galileo:

Hey! Babe! I'm getting a little sick of this self-righteous thing of
yours, all right? We tried, we failed. The instruments aren't here. Get
over it!

Scaramouche:

Then we'll just have to make music without them!

Galileo:

What? A capella?

Pop:

No!

Scaramouche:

If necessary!

Pop:

No! It is never necessary!

Scaramouche:

Isn't that what it was all about? In the beginning? It was kids, doing
it for themselves! They were playing in the streets, in the garages!

Pop:

Yes, it was, it was!

Scaramouche:

So come on, Gazza! Where's the bloke I used to love? Where's the bloke with the lead in his pencil? Where is Shagileo Gigolo?

Galileo:

Right here, babe!

Scaramouche:

Then prove it! Are we gonna rock, or what?

Galileo:

Yes! Yes we are! I don't need any second-hand instruments to make music with, I can make music on my own. The music of a human being, and not of a machine!

Scaramouche:

Right on!

Pop:

Hello, Wembley!

(silence)

Galileo:

But not without you, Scaramouche. Don't you remember what Britney Spears said before he died? Making music is about love. You do it for your baby. And I can only do it for you. I love you with all my heart. Please come back to me. Because if you don't, I don't know if I can do this thing. And the kids'll forever be in chains!

Scaramouche:

Oh, god. Talk about emotional blackmail.

(she kisses him)

Pop:

Ooh, I've gone all tingly.

(they part)

Scaramouche:

So - let's rock!

Galileo:

Yeah!

I don't know how to start.

Scaramouche:

Well, come on buddy, you're a boy.

Pop:

Make a big noise!

Scaramouche:

Playing in the street

Pop:

gonna be a big man some day!

Galileo:

Wait - that's it.

*Buddy:
Buddy, you're a boy
Make a big noise
Playing in the street
Gonna be a big man some day
You got mud on your face
You big disgrace
Kicking your can all over the place*

Pop:

What a curiously exhilarating collection of words!

Galileo:

Scaramouche - can you hear it? The beat! It's returning!

*Buddy, you're a boy
Make a big noise
Playing in the street
Gonna be a big man some day
You got mud on your face
You big disgrace
Kicking your can all over the place*

*Singing
We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you*

(suddenly, on the of the gateposts splits open, revealing a guitar)


				*GEYSA'S MUSICAL PAGE* *We Will Rock You- Libretto*



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